Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Confessions of a Housewife

So, to follow up on a previous post about narrating my life: this much is true, my life is pretty basic. However, to spruce it up, to add a little flare, I like to narrate my motherly-doings to the pretend audience in my head that is always watching the going-on's of my humble, boring day.
And so, as I cut my potatoes with my new mandolin , the voices in my head narrate as follows:

"See how she gently glides the potatoe over the blade of the mandolin."
"Yes, Bob, and remember viewers, the blade should be sharp enough to keep the glides smooth and precise."
"That's right Janet. The sharper the better." Celebrity laughing.
Hahahaha.
"Also notice the brand of potatoe. Wal-mart special 1.09lb bag. My that's a bargain."
"I bet her husband is excited about all the money he saved on those potatoes."
"And, Janet, always remember to use the handle when cutting anything on the mandolin."
"Of course Bob. How could we forget Conference breakfast of '06?"
"That's right Janet. Kelly lost the tip of her finger by neglecting to follow the basic rules, and use the handle at all times."

They go on and on like that. Sometimes they can be very judgmental.

Yesterday, I narrated my shopping experience at Ikea, my third trip there since Saturday.
Tip: Throw in arm gestures as your displaying to your husband the furniture set your dying to have. The model-esque wave of the hand will invite him to join you in your fantasy living room dreams.
This was a little different type of narration, third person, my favorite.
"Kelly sat on the couch and thought to herself, 'Yes, this is the one.' For indeed, the firmness of the microfiber sofa supported her tired body, and as she kicked up her feet and gently placed them on the displayed ottomon, she felt at home."
We didn't get the couch, or the ottoman, because we already have both, and don't need a new one. But it sure was fun to fantasize...Sorry, what were we talking about, I drifted off...

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