Friday, June 29, 2012

Bestest Mom Ever

The other day I looked at Kembry and thought, "Sheesh, you are getting fat!"

Then I realized the outfit she was wearing was 4T.  She's nearly 6.  Such a sweet mother I am!

Soooo, I went on over to the Old Navy and purchased a billion shirts, some shorts, some shoes and a dress.  Spent a total of $60, it was awesome. 

When we got home I made her do a fashion show for me.  Turns out, 6T is waaaay too big.  So now I get to go and exchange a billion shirts and some shorts.  And poor Kembry was so excited to finally have clothes that fit.

Mother of the Year here.

32 Million Weeks Pregnant!

I love when people ask when I'm due (like every forty five seconds.)  I tell them, "A week after never."  They laugh, I cry.  Typical for this time of the pregnancy, I think.

Size of Kian:  According to, Kian is the size of a squash.  I think he's about the size of a 40 pound toddler, but I'm biased.

Total Weight Gain:  Holding strong at 6 lbs gain.  HOWEVER, I feel much, much bigger.  I mean, I feel like I've gained 60 pounds.  I feel huge.  I feel fat.  I feel all jolly.  Ok, not really on the jolly part. 

Gender:  Still a fella.  Just got my little man a manly manly car seat cover.  I guess he probably doesn't want to be toting around in the pink one.  Boys.  Psht.

Movement:  It's getting slightly uncomfortable.  He loves my cervix, just like Chloe.  He's grinding whatever body part into it daily.  I love how I can feel his little limbs now.  I love pushing them down, and having him push them back.  I think we're playing.  He's probably just annoyed I keep moving him.  Mothers.

Sleep:  My doctor gave me Ambien and I hate it.  My problem isn't FALLING asleep, it's STAYING asleep.  Ambien knocks me out like a heavy weight loser, but I'm still up at 3 and 4 in the morning.  Only, if I take an Ambien, I'm exhausted the rest of the day. Sooo, I'm giving up on the idea of sleep for a few months. 

Symptoms:  Holy contractions batman.  I'm having them, or they're having me, I'm not sure what.  I'm on medication (for the contractions, not the schizophrenia) and most days it helps.  It makes me super dizzy and nauseas (it's blood pressure medicine, and I already have fairly low blood pressure, so you can imagine.) 

My house and my children are being effected badly, but I don't care, well, more like I can't care.  I'm thinking I may just need to hire a maid the day I hit 36 weeks 6 days.  She can get it all nice and clean and then I can happily go into labor.

I'm also having the usual: pelvic pain, acid reflux, headaches, dizziness, swelling.  My fingers and hands are falling asleep.  My wedding ring doesn't fit most days.  My lips and nose are swollen.  I feel like I have nine chins.

What I Miss:  Sleep.  Sleep.  Aaaaand sleep.  I should say I miss cleaning, but I don't.  I miss the house being clean.  I miss holding Chloe whenever I want.  I miss having lunch with my girlfriends without breaking out into contractions.

Cravings:  CHOCOLATE!

Best Moment of the Week:  I had to go in early because of my contractions, but I was comforted that I wasn't quite a "finger tip".  I love doctor lingo.  This is almost exactly where I was with Chloe.  By 35 weeks I should be a 2.  By August 2 I should be pushing this baby out.  Hahahahahaha!  All according to my will.  Psht, yeah right.  This kid will probably hold on until 42 weeks. 

That's ok.  He'll be here before I know it! 

Sibling Rivalry:  My prayers have been answered and my children are returning to normal-ish.  Well, possibly because I'm returning to normal-ish.  I feel a bit more normal now, anyway.  We'll see how long that lasts!

Monday, June 25, 2012

How I Know Heavenly Father Answers Prayers

(Loooong post)

"O, Remember, remember..."

One of the most important things about prayers being answered is first remembering, and then showing gratitude.  I assure you I have done both.

Last week was a baaad week for me.  And, subsequently,  for my kids.  And, subsequently, for my husband.  Let's not even get into what it did to my personal hygiene. 

I spent many hours in my scriptures searching for peace.  Several pages of heated writing in my journal.  It wasn't until I finally folded my arms and bent my head in humble agony and begged for peace and release from my struggles, that I found comfort.

I'm going to tell you what I prayed about, because it fascinates me how Heavenly Father answered those prayers.

First, I prayed that my husband would be more supportive.  That he would do more around the house.  That he would be more present.

The answer in my mind was that Brett would come home, tell me to go to bed, would clean the entire house, make dinner, play with the kids, and put them to bed.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

My answer came in the form of a friend of mine.  Maybe she heard something in my not-so-subtle post on FB lamenting my woes (I may have said something like, "Kill me now..." I'm not altogether sure...) but the next day she said, "I'm coming over.  What's your poison?"

What amazes me about her support was that the day she came over was also the anniversary of the birth of a child she later lost.  She came over and gave me comfort on a day that she really deserved it.  I hope I reciprocated.

The answer to my prayer came as we talked about our spouses and marriage.  She told me about her husband (who sounded incredibly like me) and about herself (who is a lot like Brett) and as I was listening to her, I realized I was listening to what Brett would possibly say about me.  If he was a chick and talked about such things.

I love my friend.  I think she's amazing.  And so I felt horrible as I listened to her.  I felt like everything she said was something Brett could equally complain about.  I started to appreciate everything he did for me, for our kids.  He's by far one of the most amazing men I've ever known, and I was so down in my own dark depression that I didn't stop to think that maybe he was having a bad week.  Maybe he needed a little service.

I was humbled.

I hurried and hopped online as soon as she left and shot out an email telling him I was sorry for the previous email I sent (I'm sure you can imagine what it said) and I told him all the things I should have said in the first place.  Later, he told me how amazing it was, the turn around, the difference in tones.  I think he could feel the Heavenly help I was receiving through reading that email.

I had also prayed that Heavenly Father would take away my crazy emotions.  That He would make my thoughts stable.  That He would slow my anger.

Basically, I just wanted him to take it all away.  The perfect answer.

How the answer really came...

Later, that same day, as I was about to finally put Chloe to bed and lay down myself and let Cohen and Kembry have their way with the house, Cohen said, "What about swimming?!"

Oh snap.  That's right.  We go swimming on this particular day.  Physically, I was not feeling up to it.  Emotionally I was doing a little better.  I stood there and wavered, and the Spirit whispered to me, "Go."  I argued back, said that it was 111 degrees and I was an exhausted 31 week pregnant lady on the brink of insanity.

The Spirit whispered to me, "Go."

So, we went.  It's no easy task taking 3 kids swimming alone.  The sunscreen, the towells, the pool bag, the screaming, very tired toddler.  But we went.

And again, I lamented to a friend.

I told her how crazy I felt this pregnancy.

She said she was crazy with all five of her pregnancies.

I cried about how much I cry.  About how I yell at my kids all the time.

She told me that her brother, who is a psychologist, read an article that showed a woman on hormones has the same brain activity as a schizophrenic.

I don't know why this comforted me.  But it totally did.

I told her my biggest secret of all, because it all just came pouring out.  I said it out loud for the first time.  I told her how I just didn't feel connected to "this baby".  The fact that I even call Kian, "this baby" makes me break down into tears.  What was wrong with me?  How could I be so horrible?  When I think about this pregnancy, I just want it over with already.  I want my body back.  My energy.  My sanity.  I think about the affect it's having on my marriage, on my relationship with my children.  I hardly ever think about holding my sweet son in my arms for the first time.

She told me she didn't connect with any of her five babies.  Not really until they were a few months old.

We left swimming and again, I was humbled.

The rest of the day was not perfect.  The rest of the weekend, I yelled.  I cried.  But I also tried harder and I also remembered my prayers being answered.  I shared with Brett my experience.  I think he was as amazed as I was to see the Lord's work. 

I cannot express the joy I felt knowing that Heavenly Father heard my cries.  And how well He knows me, to go about sending angels in my life to help answer my prayers.  Not at all the way I thought they should be answered.  But in a much, much better way.

I am a Daguther of my Heavenly Father, who loves me...

I hope this helps anyone out there having a rough Monday.  Take a moment, kneel down, pray.  And then wait patiently and lovingly, knowing that your Father knows you better than you know yourself, and that you are surrounded by angels.


Afraid and wandering, we lost our way.
With no aid in sight, we began to pray:

“Please keep us safe in such hostile lands,”
Then came the warm touch of Heavenly Hands.

Perhaps one on our shoulder when we felt alone,
While another pointed the way which then led us home.

The help came unseen like the wind as it blew,
But we all felt it upon us, and that’s how we knew;

That angels still watch and sometimes send us a “rose” –
A gift to remind us that Heaven still knows

All that we go through and all that we need.
Surely Heaven is with us, if we’ll only give heed.

Greg Olsen - 2001

Saturday, June 16, 2012

28...30...Oh However Many Weeks I Am Now!

I'm not 31 weeks until Wednesday, so I'm cheating and aging my baby by 4 days.  

Size of My Kian:  On Wednesday, he should be the size of a pineapple.  And I'm just about as comfortable as if I had a pineapple in there!

Total Weight Gain:  Sigh, it was inevitable.  I had to gain weight eventually.  I mean, he weighs close to 3 pounds, so there's that.  I have gained 6 pounds.  However, my hips have grown 6 inches.  As have my boobs.  I feel like I'm already sporting around the porn star look. 

Gender:  He's still a boy, although we didn't get to see his boyhood on the ultrasound like I was hoping.  I'm not too worried.  But if he comes out a girl and I have to do a whole bunch of laundry out of nowhere, I might be a little bitter.  For like a second.  Maybe I'll make Brett do it...

Movement:  There's a party going on in my uterus, and I wasn't invited.  He moves a lot in his sleep, as we found out in our 3D ultrasound.  It was so cool to see him wiggling around.  Then the technician gave him a little alarm-wiggle, so to speak, and he woke right up.  

Why am I awake?  Don't I have enough going on, now I have to be awake too?

Appointments:  We're at the two week appointments.  I'm excited.  I think every pregnant woman feels like that marks the beginning of the end.  The light at the end of the tunnel.  I wonder if Kian feels the imminence of his arrival? 

Sleep:  I get tired just thinking about it.  Sleep did not come easily in Utah.  Sleeping on a blow-up mattress for a week will do that to a person.  Especially a very pregnant person.  I've slept better in my own bed, of course, but still I get up every few hours to pee or to worry or to think.

Over the years I've gotten pretty good at turning off the thinking, telling myself it does no good to dwell on things I can't change at 2 in the morning. 

I think the lack of sleep has been the main cause of my grumpiness.  I feel like I'm grumpy all the time.  Brett would say otherwise, because he's afraid for his life.  Smart man.  But everything is annoying me.  I've been a real peach to be around lately ;)

What I Miss:  Sleep.  This part shouldn't come after the "sleep" portion.  It's all I can think about now.  *Yawn*  Is it nap time yet?

Cravings:  CHOCOLATE!  Which would explain the extra weight I gained all the sudden!  Also, McDonalds french fries with a large coke.  And last night: hot chocolate.  And this morning: cinnamon buns.  Pregnancy cravings are crazy.  I mean, not the stuff I crave, just how incredibly powerful that craving is!!  I must have it!

Symptoms:  I have been struck with 3rd trimester nausea.  But I'm also hungry all the time.  It's really sucked! 

I've been having contractions on and off.  I don't know if it's just because I know what to expect or what, but I'm not as nervous about them as I was with Chloe.  I just stay home and deal with the discomfort.  Sometimes I start to time them.  Sometimes they pick up in speed and sharpness, with noticeable peaks and drops.  Like yesterday.  But I just lay down and rest and pray, and then they slowly stop. 

It's still annoying, "Do I go in?  Do I not?"  I've spotted twice, but nothing came of it, so I didn't worry.  I'm pretty sure I'm starting to low my mucus plug, which makes me worry a little bit.  Whenever I walk and get discomfort "down south" I worry that I'm loosening things up even more.  So I'm sort of walking around on egg shells.  Which reminds me, I need to sweep the kitchen floor.

Best Moment of the Week:  Definitely Kian's ultrasound.  It was so cool and so creepy.  We watched him snuggle with his foot, scratch his nose, yawn and blink.  It was really creepy seeing his eyes open.

He blinks in this video.

He yawns at the very end in this one.  

Cutest fetus.  Ever!

Sibling Rivalry:  I knew that letting the grandma's at them would spoil them rotten.  I knew it would take weeks to unspoil them.  Still, they have turned into little brats!  Where are my sweet, rule abiding, chore finishing children?  If you see them, please send them home.  My sanity needs them back.

Where I Been At and Other Unimportant Matters

Well, we done did take our summer trip to Utah last week.  Remember that trip?  The one where I was going to bask in their 80-90 degree weather all summer

Yeah, we were there for a week.  One lousy week.

Stupid money-making job of that husband of mine. 

But I can't complain too much.  The time we spent there was wonderful.

First of all, when did Utah turn into a verdant rain forest?  Seriously, it was the greenest place I've ever seen...compared with the bleak desert I live in now.

Don't get me wrong, I love our new desert home.  Heat and dirt devil storms and Havalina's and all.  Oh my.

We did everything and nothing.  We stayed up late with old friends playing games.  We went camping and played in a river and ate hot dogs and s'mores (I will now admit that it was the FIRST s'more I've ever eaten, because, it is the FIRST s'more I've ever wanted to eat.  I blame the fetus.)  I'd also like to note for future generations that I set up the tent and blew up the mattress and made our beds entirely by myself.

We spent a lot of time with Brett's good friend, and I'm grateful we got to. He's having a rough time in his life right now, and it's been really hard being so far away, not being able to be there with him and for him.

We visited with family, we ate at Cafe Rio (although this was hardly novelty, there is a single Cafe Rio 20 minutes away from us in AZ.)

It was awesome.  I took no pictures. 

When we got home, we had some visitors stay with us all the way from Colorado for three days.  It was a lot of fun.  I'm tired, but happy.

And now...I rest.  And bake my baby.  I'm good at bakin' babies.

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