Friday, February 24, 2012

Back Ache

I need to brush my teeth.

And take more pain medicine.

But I don't wanna take more pain medicine.

I don't like being a dope head.  I want to read this article, but it's hard to feel the depth of the Spirit and understand the message when I can barely keep my eyes open...

I want to clean my house.

I want to clean.  This is getting serious.

But Brett, like an 18th century back sentinel, won't let me leave his site.  Nor can I hobble out of his.  So, I'll be a good little girl and rest a little longer...

He actually had a dream last night that he was yelling at me because I kept doing things to hurt my back.  Like bending over.  He said it was so frustrating because I just wouldn't listen to him.  I told him it wasn't a dream. It was yesterday.  But doesn't he know?  A mom can never really be off duty.  It's just not possible.


Thursday, February 23, 2012

"To The Mother With Only One Child"

I had to share this.  I know so many of you will appreciate it the way I do.  Here's the link to the original article.

Dear Mother of Only One Child,

Don’t say it.  Before the words can even pass your lips, let me beg you:  don’t say, “Wow, you have nine kids?  I thought it was hard with just my one!”
My dear, it is hard.  You’re not being a wuss or a whiner when you feel like your life is hard.  I know, because I remember having “only one child.”  You may not even believe how many times I stop and reflect on how much easier my life is, now that I have nine children.
All right, so there is a lot more laundry.  Keeping up with each child’s needs, and making sure they all get enough attention, is a constant worry.  And a stomach bug is pretty much the end of the world, when nine digestive tracts are afflicted.
But I remember having only one child, and it was hard—so very hard.  Some of the difficulties were just practical:  I didn’t know what I was doing, had to learn everything.  People pushed me around because I was young and inexperienced.  But even worse were the emotional struggles of learning to be a mother.
When I had only one child, I truly suffered during those long, long, long days in our little apartment, no one but the two of us, baby and me, dealing with each other all day long.  I invented errands and dawdled and took the long way home, but still had hours and hours to fill before I would hear my husband’s key in the door.
I cared so much what other people thought about her—they had to notice how beautiful she was, they had to be impressed at my natural mothering skills.  I obsessed over childhood development charts, tense with fear that my mothering was lacking—that I hadn’t stimulated her enough,  or maybe had just passed on the wrong kind of genes.  I cringe when I remember how I pushed her—a little baby!—to achieve milestones she wasn’t ready for.
I lived in terror for her physical safety (I once brought her to Urgent Care, where the doctor somewhat irritably diagnosed a case of moderate sniffles) fearing every imaginable disease and injury.  In my sleep-deprived state, I would have sudden insane hallucinations that her head had fallen off, her knees had suddenly broken themselves in the night, and so on.
My husband didn’t know how to help me.  I didn’t know how to ask for help.  My husband had become a father, and I adored him for it.  My husband got to leave the house every day, and sleep every night.  He got to go to the bathroom alone.  I hated him for it.
When I had only one child, I told myself over and over that motherhood was fulfilling and sanctifying and was filling my heart to the brim with peace and satisfaction.  And so I felt horribly guilty for being so bored, so resentful, so exhausted.  This is a joyful time, dammit!  I should enjoy being suddenly transformed into the Doyenne of Anything that Smells Bad.
I loved my baby, I loved pushing her on the swing, watching squirrels at the park together, introducing her to apple sauce, and watching her lips move in joyful dreams of milk.  But it was hard, hard, hard.  All this work:  is this who I am now?  I remember!
So now?  Yes, the practical parts are a thousand times easier:  I’m a virtuoso.  I worry, but then I move along.  Nobody pushes me around, and I have helpers galore.  Someone fetches clean diapers and gets rid of the dirty ones.  When the baby wakes up in the middle of the night for the ten thousandth time, I sigh and roll my eyes, maybe even cry a little bit for sheer tiredness—but I know it will pass, it will pass. 
It’s becoming easier, and it will be easier still.  They are passing me by.
I’m broken in.  There’s no collision of worlds.  We’re so darn busy that it’s a sheer delight to take some time to wash some small child’s small limbs in a quiet bath, or to read The Story of Ferdinand one more time.  Taking care of them is easy.  It’s tiring, it’s frustrating, but when I stop and take a breath, I see that it’s almost like a charade of work.  All these things, the dishes, the diapers, the spills—they must be taken care of, but they don’t matter. They aren’t who I am.
To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible.  But who I am now is something more terrible:  the protector who can’t always protect; the one with arms that are designed to hold, always having to let go.
Dear mother of only one child, don’t blame yourself for thinking that your life is hard.  You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone.  For what?  Only so that you can become strong enough to be a woman who will be left.
When I had only one child, she was so heavy.  Now I can see that children are as light as air.  They float past you, nudging against you like balloons as they ascend.
Dear mother, don’t worry about enjoying your life.  Your life is hard; your life will be hard.  That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re doing it right.

Read more:

Can I Have Some Cheese with My Whine?

My back.

My stupid, stupid back.

For 8 years now it's been a source of constant pain and irritation.

And here I am again.  Crippled.

I cried at my doctors appointment yesterday. Not because of the pain, but because of the amount of weakness in my leg.  I can't even bend my toes or twist my ankle.  It's very...discouraging.

This happened before, in July.  I got a lovely dose of steroids through an i.v. and then a steroid shot in my back.  Together, they worked wonders!

I can't get either of these things while I'm pregnant.

In fact, I can't take anything that will reduce swelling: the number one reason that I'm losing strength and mobility in my leg.

For the first time in 4 pregnancies, I took an ibuprofen.  You have to know that this was done heavily, and with much thought and concern.  I want my baby to be healthy, but I would love to be able to walk when it's born.  I'm in my 2nd trimester, and there isn't a very good chance that one 200 mg ibuprofen will effect the fetus.  But still, it was scary.

The worst part is that it didn't help =*(  I still have crippling pain.  I still can't lift my leg.  I don't think I'll do it again, even with permission from my doctor.

If Brett has to start changing my diapers, I'm pulling the plug.  Don't they offer euthanasia in Canada?


Miserable in Mesa

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

14 Weeks

Oh my, where does the time go.  I had to double check my math to see if I really was 14 weeks along.  This is flying by.  And since it's our last, it sort of makes me sad. 

Size of Baby:  Little snapper is the size of a lemon.

Total Weight Gain:  My scale batteries died and I've been too lazy busy, doing important things, to change them.  Ha!

Maternity Clothes:  Um, I pretty much haven't gotten out of my pajama pants this past week, maternity clothes.  Woo hoo!  But my belly is getting harder and rounder so, by the time I roll out of bed and shower, I'm sure I'll be in maternity pants, at the very least.

Gender:  This is so cute:  Since my pregnancy with Kembry, my sweet step-mom likes to rub my belly with a clothing item of the gender she wants me to have.  Two out of two have some out.  So she sent me a boy onsie that says, "BIG BROTHER" on it.  It was the first time this whole pregnancy I got that little thrill of, "Oh my gosh we're having a baby!!"  I'm so excited.  Boy or girl, I'm excited.  But my hives and I still say BOY.  I'm gonna feel real stupid when that ultrasound shows us a girl.  Haha!

Movement:  I'm definitely starting to feel movement. It's so light and so fleeting, but absolutely wonderful.  I'm sure he's sick of me poking him in the head by now. 

Sleep:  Sleep has sucked because of my back.  I had a nightmare that my lower spine had disintegrated, similar to having scurvy of the spine.  The doctors kept telling me I couldn't carry a baby if I didn't have a spine and that I'd have to give it up for adoption.  Yeah...sleep no good lately.

What I Miss:  Nothing, again.  This pregnancy is still really strange in that I'm so busy with life, I keep forgetting!  It will be nice to have a huge belly sticking out, and hard jabs to the ribs reminding me.  Did I just say that?

Cravings:  V8 JUICE!  I downed 3 when Brett brought them home.  Now I have to share with Chloe.  Laaaame.  Just kidding.  She's so cute with her little V8 mustache.  Plus, only 30 calories a pop and a full serving of veggies.  This baby is going to be pumped full of vitamins.  Poor thing.  I downed like two cups of broccoli the other night.  My body is telling me something...I wonder what it is...

Symptoms:  *Blush*  Gas.  And bloating.  And a bit of acid reflux.  My new affinity with V8 juice isn't helping.  My tummy is sore and I'm a bit crampy, but it's all good.  Gotta stretch eventually.

Best Moment of the Week:  I was thinking about this last night.  I was reading to Cohen (I read 6 stories to that child!) and I was doing funny voices and sounds and he was lapping it up (or acting like he liked it, who knows).  Either way, I just love having kids.  I love my kids.  Ya know what I mean?  I love reading to them, and I love how they love to read to me.  I love solving problems for them.  I love bringing them out of tantrums.  I love to see them smile.  I love tucking them into bed.  I love waking them up in the mornings (I sing the "Good Morning" song from "Singing in the Rain" and sometimes, most of the time, they sing it back.  I love it.)  So, best moment of the week: my kids.

What I'm Looking Forward To:  Tonight, Kembry was complaining that Chloe screams too much (they share a bedroom).  I told her to not worry, because Cohen would soon have to share a bedroom with a new baby, and they scream a lot more.  She smiled and laughed.  It made me laugh.  So I'm looking forward to Cohen sharing a new room with his brother (or sister).  I'm looking forward to watching the kids hold the baby and fawn over it.  I'm looking forward to new baby smell and nursing and newborn diapers. 

That onsie really got me excited!

This Weeks Thoughts:  I've been stressed and upset about my back.  It really limits me and that's hard.  I think of my grandma and how mad I would get at her for not just sitting the heck down and resting her sore back.  She always had to be up and doing something.  And now here I am, scrubbing the oven and hand washing pans and living heavy laundry baskets.  I hate feeling limited.  I feel trapped.  So I'm going to figure out a way, SOME WAY, to survive this back pain for the next 24 weeks.  I'm just not sure what that's going to be yet....

Sibling Rivalry:  I guess there's always going to be some fighting.  Even amongst perfect children *snort*.  My kids are strange though.  I guess sharing a bedroom for five years warped them.  They hate sleeping in separate rooms, and yet they can barely stand to sit next to each other in the mini-van for the five minute drive to school.  Who knows with these people.  They act like a bunch of 5 and 6 year old's sometimes. 

Monday, February 20, 2012

An Asterisk Update

*I've been a poor blogger lately.  Oh well, what can ya do?

*We had a really fun BBQ with some people from the ward.  Followed by a random game called 'BANG' that I lost, like, two rounds in.  So I played with the little kids after that.

*I had another fabulous girls night with some of the most hilarious, amazing women I've ever known.  Afterwards, we saw The Vow.  Meh.  Tatum Channing is just not that great of an actor.  But he gets away with it, because, well, ya know.  Hello muscles.  Kembry says I need to "tell the girls that next time I'm coming because I really need a girls night, too, mom."  So, Robyn, just add Kembry to the roster I guess =/

*My back has been acting up, again.  Of course.  And because I can't take any anti-inflamatories, or delicious, wonderful steroids, I have a lot of leg weakness and numbness.  Luckily, we've been very blessed that a little bit of rest, ice and heat has, so far, been the cure.  Truly blessed.

*We miss our friends and families back in Utah, but oh my gosh Arizona weather is INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL!!  I never knew there could be so many consecutive days of blue skies and perfect weather. What am I saying?  Days?  I mean MONTHS!

*Everyone is finally on the mend here, with the small exception of my back.  The house has been sanitized.  Brett even scrubbed the kitchen floor with comet.  Let's just say we really, REALLY don't want to get that flu again.

*Cohen was in an adorable musical/play thing at school for Arizona's 100th birthday.  I keep singing one of the songs.  He's so over me being that mom.  BUT IT WAS JUST SO DANG ADORABLE!  Grandparents, you should have an video email of this waiting for you.

I'll post pictures hopefully today.  We'll see how my ambitions go...

Friday, February 17, 2012

13.5 Weeks

Size of Baby: According to, whipper-snapper is the size of that delicious looking peach right there.  Although, he doesn't weigh any where near that, I bet.

Total Weight Gain:  The Aguado Flu has taken me down to -10 lb, pre-pregnancy weight.  I am not complaining.  Well, I didn't love having the flu...but I'm still not complaining.

Maternity Clothes:  I'm wearing them off and on.  Right now I'm wearing regular pants.  I don't even have any maternity Sunday clothes...I better dig them out.

Gender:  I still say boy, and Brett and the kids and I have decided on a name for a boy, which is a good sign.  Right?  Right.  Although, I maintain that I would not be sad, AT ALL, to have another girl.  Our girls are just so beautiful.

Movement:  I've definitely felt little pencil-tip-sized pokes.

Sleep:  Sleeping great.  No pregnancy interference this past week.  Just flu interference.

What I Miss:  Nothing.

Cravings:  This week, I'm lucky to crave anything.  I've had very little appetite.  Today I craved Subway, and it was as delicious as I imagined it would be.

Symptoms:  My joints are a little achy, but that's about it!

Best Moment of the Week:  Not dying at the hospital.  Oh man, it was the worst flu EVER.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Our appointment this month.  We'll probably set the date for the ultrasound!!  Woo hoo!!  I love having a date to look forward to.  I'm also looking forward to my friend getting her ultrasound.

This Weeks Thoughts:  I keep forgetting I'm pregnant, still.  I feel bad, so I am still trying to take sometime to reconnect with the baby.  I know it will be better once we see it on the ultrasound again and when I feel a little more steady kicking and wiggling.

Sibling Rivalry:  The kids had fun deciding on names with us.  My visiting teachers came over today and brought their children.  Chloe is not used to other kids around her age.  It was funny watching her watch them play with her things.  She wasn't sure what to do.  I think it's great practice.  I'm worried she's going to be an...interesting older sister =)

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

How I Say "I Love You"][

The bathroom has been completely and entirely sanitized.  I feel like I should put a little paper stripe across the toilet like they do in hotels: "SANITIZED".

Awww.  I feel much better.  I wish SOMEONE WHO WON'T BE MENTIONED-BRETT, could have cleaned it for me while I was in the throws.  At least he now has a clean toilet to puke in.

I'm thoughtful like that.  On Valentines Day, no less.  Extra credit!

No, somehow, I have to figure out how to delouse the rest of the house.  Seriously, don't they make Lysol bombs?

On a side note, we figured out why the water from our fridge keeps leaking.  It's a little problem named Chloe.  I need to invest in some Samsonite child proof locks.

Hope every has a great, puke-free Valentines Day!

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

12 *cough* Weeks *Hack* *Snort*

Well we made it folks.  The second trimester is just days away.  Here we go!

Size of Baby: According to, my baby is the size of a delicious plum.  Mmmm, plum.

Total Weight Gain: Down an additional 2 pounds, total of 6 pounds lost.  It's been a rough couple days.

Maternity Clothes:  I did buy some cute-on-the-rack maternity capris pants...yeah, that about says it all.  They, of course, slide off my butt and wrap tight around my legs.  How does this happen?

Gender:  I still have hives so I still say BBBBOY!  And congratulations to my friend Jessica who is having a boy!

Movement:  We have lift off!  This week I felt hiccups.  Little tiny, itty bitty, light hiccups.  They lasted about 10 seconds and I cried.  I needed that.

Sleep: Does not exist.  But that's Brett's fault.  He had to up and go to Texas, like the traitor he is!

What I Miss:  Sleep.  See above.

Cravings:  I've had zero appetite the past few days thanks to this fabulous cold I'm sporting.  It's all the rage.

Symptoms: Forgetfulness.  Wait, what we were talking about?

Best Moment of the Week:  The hiccups, for sure.  Definitely put a smile on my face and tears in my eyes.

What I'm Looking Forward To:  Brett coming home on Friday.  I'm so hormonal and emotional (and sick).  I just need my boogy bear to come home and take care of me.

This Weeks Thoughts:  I actually forgot I was pregnant a few times this week.  In the middle of the night I went into the medicine cabinet and grabbed the ibuprofen (my back was killing me) and then as I was searching for the water, I realized, "Wait.  Dur.  You're knocked up!"  Being sick and having sickies to take care of has definitely taken my  mind from my little fetus.  I feel bad, but what can you do?  So I'm taking a few minutes out of each day to "reconnect" with fetus #4 and remind it and me, that, unfortunately, it's the bottom of the totem pole right now.  In a few months, it'll be at the very top.  That's just how it goes.

Sibling Rivalry:  My kids have been pretty good.  Chloe is sick and SUPER clingy, which *sigh* I really love.  Today she sat on my stomach for a good two hours.  She didn't want to leave me.  It was nice.  I didn't have the heart to tell her she was squishing her little brother or sister.  And my gut.

Monday, February 06, 2012

Is It Naptime Yet?

Last night went as expected: I couldn't sleep.

I finally dozed off around midnight, which isn't so bad.

But then I was suddenly awaken at 3 AM by what sounded like a mirror shattering.

It was loud and terrifying.

And it was only a dream.

But of course, I couldn't go back to sleep.

For some reason, when I'm suddenly awakened, I see spiders everywhere.  It just lasts a few seconds, but it's enough to get my heart pounding.  Brett hates this, because I usually scream.  What?  It's terrifying to wake up to spiders crawling all over you.

Last night it wasn't spiders.  It was a scorpion.  After I saw a brief glance, I could swear it was real.  I turned on the lights.  I searched the blankets.  I searched the closet.  I searched my shoes.  I looked in the garbage can in the bathroom.

All of this was enough to keep me wide awake for a good two hours.  Every sound I heard was a scorpion scudding into bed with me.  Every hairy leg scratch against the sheets was IT'S hairy leg, not mine.  It was not restful.

And then Cohen came in around 6:30 due to a nightmare of his own.  I could really sympathize, so he got to sleep in bed with me.

Pretty sure he has restless leg syndrome.

So today I am counting down the minutes to 11 when I know Chloe will start walking around like a drunk sailor on a ship a midst a hurricane.  It's cute.  19 more minutes...

Sunday, February 05, 2012

Confessions of a Housewife from 1955/2012: A Revival

The good wife's guide
'55*Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
'12*Dinner is left over macaroni and cheese from lunch, which has probably been thrown on the floor by the kids by now. If you want something more, you'll have to cook it yourself, I'm going to the gym.

'55*Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
'12*I've just been with two sticky, screaming, hyper children all day. 15 minutes to rest would be like an oasis in the middle of the salt flats. Not to mention the only bows around here go in the baby's hair, and she's probably thrown them in the toilet by now.

'55*Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
'12*Give me a bottle of congac and we'll talk.

'55*Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
'12*He's lucky to make it through the door at the end of the day. If the kids are on bored, then maybe there wont be a giant train track built right in front of the front door when he comes home.

Stay tuned...

Missing My Man

My husband is gone.

Abandoned me with a bad back and three and a half children.

It's 7:35.  The kids are in bed.  We made Valentine hearts.  They're taped all over our windows and I adore them.  But I'm still completely alone.

My first instinct is: to eat.

But since I don't want to be a fatty fatty fat fat, I resort to my second and third instincts:

Watch TV and surf the interwebs.

Thank you Netflix.  Thank you handy laptop.

And tonight when I crawl into our empty, cold bed, I'll stretch out and pretend I love it.  But I really, really hate it when he's gone.

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

11 Weeks: Practically There!

Size of Baby:  According to, our little baby is the size of a lime.

Total Weight Gain:  I am down 4 pounds from pre-pregnancy weight.  Don't you love how I post this and NOT any weight gain I may have had.  Ha!  But yes, I get really sick in the afternoon and at night.  Like...REALLY sick.

Maternity Clothes:  I bought a shirt from Target.  I'm wearing it now.  But I'm back to my regular pants.  They're still snug, for sure, but I'm noticing my uterus is super high.  The next maternity thing I'm buying though: a bra.  I cannot believe these melons!

Gender: I'm still saying boy.

Movement:  I'm still having those "uterus jumps" even though a friend told me she feels her babies around 11 weeks.  I was like "whaaaa?!"  Now I'm my  little lime dancing around in there?  For now, I'll say I can't feel anything, but I'm having fun poking and prodding it anyway.  It's how I play with my fetus.  I'm weird.

Sleep:  Benadryl and Zofran are still keeping me asleep, and I'm feeling rested and "rar rar rarring" to go in the morning (name that movie).  Finally getting some energy back in the mornings!  Yay!

What I Miss:  I miss my esophagus as I'm sure it has been burned away by vomit.  I miss NOT having acid reflux.  I miss keeping my food in me.  I miss solid foods for dinner.  But it won't be long.

Cravings:  Oregano's meatballs.  The greatest meatballs in the world.  Amen.  Brett kindly took me there after our appointment today.  Good man.

Symptoms:  I'm starting to get hormonal and I've developed diarrhea of the mouth.  I have a thought, I have a mouth, I make it known.  Brett HATES this part of pregnancy for me.  I sort of do, too, because I have to apologize a lot.  And the hormones, ugh, they're AWFUL!  I cried when Mrs. Pepper announced she was having another baby.  (Please know I'm talking about Blue's Clue's.)  That, at least, was a happy cry.  But I cry over dumb things, sad things.  I cry a lot over Chloe growing and talking and walking more and more.  I cry when I'm tired.  I cry when I'm hungry.  I cry when I puke.  I don't know how I haven't dehydrated myself.

Also, acid reflux, morning sickness, the gambit.  Cramping as my uterus grows and aching in my joints as they loosen.  I don't like that part all that much :/  As my joints loosen, my back gets worse.

Best Moment of the Week:  Brett and Kembry bought me flowers.  They're beautiful Lily's.  That, and this cute little story:  Kembry came into the bathroom while I was taking a bath, and she was in tears.  REAL TEARS, not the fake stuff she usually pulls out.  I asked her what was wrong, and as she was telling me (Daddy won't marry me!) Brett came in and mouthed, "I think I broke her heart."

It was so cute and sad!  So I gave daddy my ring and said it was okay if he married her.  He got down on one knee and she laughed and cried, just like any girl would when the man of her world proposed!!  It was sooooo cute!

So flower and becoming a polygamist wife: best moments of the week =)

Appointments This Week:  I had an appointment today.  It was same ol' same ol'.  I wonder if I could go every other month.  Is this possible?  It was nice hearing the babies heart beat though.  172.  So cute.

What I'm Looking Forward To:  How about what I'm NOT looking forward to.  I'm NOT looking forward to Brett's week long business trip next week.  But I am looking forward to a fun little moon light hike we're doing on Friday.  Have to get all those fun things in while I can still see the trail!

This Weeks Thoughts:  This being our fourth, I've noticed that I haven't quite bonded with the baby.  Or, rather, it hasn't really sunk in that I'm pregnant.  I feel like I've come down with a really bad flu.  Not that there's a baby in me at all.  I'm sure this has a lot to do with my time being commandeered by my three other children, moving to a new state, getting settled, etc...It's just weird that I'm not as obsessed with this pregnancy as I have been with past ones.  I'm sure, though, once I feel movement, and once we see him on ultrasound again, I'll feel a little more connected.

Sibling Rivalry:  Cohen and Kembry have still been bickering a lot, but I've come up with a new plan, and so far, it's working!  Instead of being referee to all their little spats, I just ignore them.  I can't believe how well this works.  They fight for a few minutes, and then they're best friends for twice as long.  Fight, make up, fight, make up.  I think I was just interfering with the natural order of things when I interfered before, and I'm totally ok with not being involved!

Cohen is SO EXCITED for me to have a baby.  Kembry can't wait for a little tiny baby.  And Chloe...Chloe is just cute =)  That's all she needs to be.

NO PICTURES!  Until I no longer look "fat" and start to look "pregnant".

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