Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Top Reasons for Divorce

10. Financial arguments

9. Infidelity

8. Using up the Text Messages

7. Deleting TIVO

6. Erasing licenses on Mario Cart

5. "Accidental" WII remote injuries

4. Changing the automated seat memory in the car

3. Sewing up holes in designer jeans

2. Obama VS McCain


And the top reason your marriage may end this year:


  1. Messing with the Netflix Queue

HAVE A HAPPY NEW YEAR (and don't mess with the Netflix Queue!)

Kelly Out


Monday, December 29, 2008

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Where is my brain?

Do you have it?

If so, could you please give it back? I need it.

Yesterday I made a detailed last-minute shopping list. On this list I wrote down all the places I needed to go, whose gifts would be located at these places etc.

Despite this list, I kept forgetting why I was where I was.

If it wasn't for Brett sitting next to me, who could almost decipher my markings, I would've ended up in Alaska running for Governor.

So please don't be offended if I see you in the mall this season, and have a whole conversation with you, and still don't remember your name.

I don't even remember mine.

Happy Christmas-Eve Eve.

Casandra out.

Wait, that didn't sound right…

Oh well.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Go against your natural instincts

This beautiful, freezing weather always begins the assault of car accidents, and in consequence some wicked traffic..

Brett and I always look at minor accident victims on the side of the road and say things like, "Sheesh, haven't you lived here long enough to know you need to slow down."

Or "Golly, you cotton-headed-ninny-muggins, don't you know ice is slippery?"

But our favorite is, "Gee-willickers, you nut-cracker, don't you know if you're sliding on ice to push lightly on the accelerator and turn the wheel slightly?"

Well, this, of course, is against every natural instinct in our body and mind. What? You want me to speed up? But I'm already sliding into my early grave!!

Yes, crazy person. I want you to go against your natural instincts.

Brett and I often preach this, and last night we had the chance to PRACTICE what we PREACH. Yuck. We're big on "Do as I say, not as I do." Oh well, worth a try.

So as Cohen was overly-tired and had ingested more than his legal limit in cookies and hot-chocolate at our annual "Polar Express Party," he was screaming and writhing and ready to attack when Brett tried to say his prayers with him. So Brett walked out. I mean what else can ya do? You're walking into an early grave if you stay.

And then, as happens once every 6 years, I had a thought. "What if we went against our natural instincts, and instead of ignoring him, did the complete opposite of what we want to do and hug him…or something?"

Can I just say, that did wonders? And it worked on Kembry too, who was half asleep moaning, "Cohen, my Cohen is crying. My Cohen is sad." Well, if that doesn't just break your heart.

Anyway, moral of the story here, GO AGAINST YOUR INSTINCTS SOMETIMES! Natural man is an enemy to God, my friend. And I surely know that I (naturally) am.

Have a lovely, wintery day and remember: if you start sliding, SPEED UP! I've done it like twelve times already this year, and it's flippin' awesome! As in not getting into a car accident and ruining your whole Christmas season awesome. Awesome.

Kelly Out

Friday, December 19, 2008

New Years Resolutions

FranklinCovey Products' Fourth Annual New Year's Resolutions Survey Reveals Top Three Resolutions for 2009: Eliminate Debt, Lose Weight and Develop Healthy Habits






1. Get out of debt or save money


1. Get out of debt or save money

2. Lose weight


2. Lose weight

3. Develop a healthy habit (e.g. healthy eating, exercise)


3. Develop a healthy habit (e.g. exercise or healthy eating)

4. Get organized


4. Get organized

5. Spend more time with family and friends


5. Develop a new skill or talent

6. Develop a new skill or talent


6. Spend more time with family and friends

7. Work less, play more


7. Other

8. Other


8. Work less, play more

9. Break an unhealthy habit (e.g. smoking, alcohol, overeating)


9. Break an unhealthy habit (e.g. smoking, alcohol, overeating)

10. Change employment


10. Change employment


My new year's resolution: Do not cry when my children lose more and more baby fat and speak in full sentences. You may think this is not a worthy goal, but for me, and my family, this is, indeed, and important thing for me to work on.

Give me a moment, I just remembered my sons baby cheek fat has most recently disappeared, and that my daughter is speaking in full sentences.

Hey, it's a NEW YEAR resolution. It's still 2008…leave me alone.

What are your New Years goals? I'm very curious to know what people want to improve upon…

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Missed Time

The survey polled 508 customers and found that the holidays cause stress for 85 percent of respondents and leave nearly 60 percent feeling unfulfilled and regretful when they are over.

 As in past years, respondents were asked to rank the following holiday activities from most stressful to least stressful. Money, gift-giving and health still topped the list, but managing workload to take time off reclaimed a place in the top three after dropping to number eight last year.

 2008's Top 10 Most Stressful Holiday Activities

2007's Top 10 Most Stressful Holiday Activities

1.     Spending too much money

2.     Deciding what gift to buy for whom

3.     Managing workload to take time off

4.     Taking care of physical well-being

5.     Not enough time to shop

6.     Not enough time for events

7.     Sending gifts and cards on time

8.     Creating a specific holiday budget

9.     Decorating for or hosting and holiday party

10.  Maintaining relationships with family, friends and co-workers

1.     Spending too much money

2.     Deciding what gift to buy for whom

3.     Sending gifts and cards on time

4.     Taking care of physical well-being

5.     Not enough time to shop

6.     Not enough time for events

7.     Decorating for or hosting a holiday party

8.     Managing workload to take time off

9.     Maintaining relationships with family, friends and co-workers

10.  Creating a specific holiday budget

Hi. My name is Kelly and "I have to admit." Okay, I realize that's an inside joke, but those who get it are rolling on the floor right now. Anywho…

I have to admit that though I do feel some of these stresses, especially number 2, there is only one real stress I feel that cannot be helped (because I'm an idiot) and is not on this list (or on any other list of that matter.)

I miss lost time. And knowing that because I'm a stubborn oaf, a lot of the lost time I'm groaning about now is my own fault. I miss time I could have spent with friends that are no longer my friends. I'm thinking of only one particular friend this Holiday, and I've thought about her so much lately that I've *gasp* even dialed her number on my cell phone, only to quickly push the red phone button, thus ending any possibility of reconciliation. This is the longest I've gone without this friend. It's hard. It's frustrating. And most of all, it's lost time that is so stupid and pointless, that I just want to kick myself in the face (miraculous feat! Or feet. Stupid Pun. Moving on.)

"Do not squander time, for it is the stuff life is made of." Um. Mr. Ashley's sign on his property in Gone with the Wind. Watch it. Love it.

"I do not say doubt, but hope." Mr. Knightley, Emma by Jane Austen

Anyway, to this friend, if you're reading this, I'm sure you know who you are. I miss you. Have a Merry Christmas.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Murray Christmas Part Two: The Christmas Letter

As it is December "something", and there are only *cough* days left to the blessed event, and the Neff's are still about doing this and that, and absolutely nothing they should be doing, it's been decided since the only people in our lives who would read a Christmas letter from us probably read this blog, so we're posting our happenings from the year, instead of "stimulating" the economy, and spending pointless amounts of money on cards and postage.


It's been a great year for the Neff's! The backyard is finally on the mud infested road to having grass, and as it is currently covered in a beautiful layer of white cold stuff, we're pretending that there already is grass, under which we're pretending there are rows and rows of pipe that will eventually, in our pretend world, water our non-existent grass. It's all very exciting.

Cohen has grown two feet and no longer resembles the scrawny 6 lb babe Kelly gave birth to three years ago. In fact, he's looking more and more like his fair skinned, red-headed father every day, which has in turn caused us to cancel the DNA testing and our impending appearance on the Maury Povich show. Bummer. Potty training was successful, and we've sent off to NASA to inform them to keep a look out for our sons resume in the next couple of years, due to his pure genius in understanding that you LIFT UP the lid before you pee, and PUT IT BACK DOWN when you're done.

Kembry can't read yet, and by the time she can, this letter will be long gone and she can't hurt any of us. Kembry has grown an amazing talent at "Ooohing" and "Ahhing" the crowds before she attacks. It's really quite interesting, if you're allowed to watch, but as a participant, it's terrifying and gives us all nightmares. She hasn't grown much, though size matters little when manipulation is involved. She's got all her granddads wrapped around her tiny little fingers, and somehow has the strength to chuck them across the room if that so happens to be where the candy is. She's very smart and can speak well, and enjoys giving us warnings before her little attacks, such as "I will poke you in the eye now." "I will throw my spoon at you now," and so on and so forth. Brett is determined to potty train Kembry, 2 years old, and she is determined to wear pull ups, and that's as far as it goes. We're contacting NASA to inform them that we have a rare species and they are welcome to take it and study it in their facilities, in Florida, which we feel is far enough away to give us time to heal from recent wounds. Terrible twos anyone?

Brett has finished a semester in school, and his study habits are as unimpressive as we're all sure they were in High School, but still he manages straight A's. Kelly's a little irritated at this fact, but only because she falls far from that bar. He still works at RxAmerica, saving the world money one prescription error at a time. He loves his job, and finally got his first employee! Poor lady. Summer Saturday's are still spent annihilating the annoying beast called the spider, and avoiding doing the fun stuff, like mowing the lawn and trimming the hedges. Brett continues with his calling as Gospel Doctrine teacher, forcing poor unsuspecting souls to read scripture out loud, thus eliminating the tiresome task for himself. He loves being a father, and teaching the kids to sword fight and "Kung Fu".

Kelly continues on the downward spiral to death by catching any and all contagious diseases that may surround her, though Brett is starting to consider that maybe she just has a crush on their doctor, and maybe they're planning to run away in the boat the Neff's most recently paid for with the onset of Mono. She is still working at Franklin Covey, and still struggling to grasp the teachings of the Seven Habits that would thus release all stress in her life. The house continues as a yo-yo of clean, dirty, clean, dirty, but the Spirit abounds, and happiness is all around, and enforced regularly with shock collars. She loves being a mother and wife, and can't wait for a third child!

Harley, Moe and Zoe have managed to survive another year without being escorted, via gun to the head, to the pound. This mostly is due to laziness on the part of Brett and Kelly, and the adorableness of Cohen and Kembry, who love "snuggling" with the cats, and pulling their tails and poking their eyes.

We wish you all a Merry Christmas, and remind you to please not buy Kembry anything with sharp edges, or anything that can burn or be turned into a weapon of any kind.

Love you all!

The Neff's

Monday, December 15, 2008

Murray Christmas

"On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me..."

1 embarrassing moment: Swimming party 6th grade. A *boy* who will remain nameless undid my FIRST BIKINI top. When I jumped out of the pool and tried to run into the house, I ran into the glass sliding door.

2 best friends: Brett and Tanya

3 things you buy regularly: Milk, Eggs, Milk

4 places you want to go (and might actually REALLY go): Six Flags, snowboarding, New York City

5 goals for the upcoming year: Stay organized! Lose ___ lbs. Finish basement. Get a trampoline. Convince Brett to have another child.

6 things most people don't know about me: 1. I read three or four books at a time. 2. Speaking of books, I hate finishing books I really love, because I feel like I'm losing friends. 3. I hate crying in front of people, especially Brett. 4. I would watch Christmas movies all year if Brett didn't stare at me like I was a freak and make fun of me. 5. I embarrass myself on a daily basis because I don't have a filter on my mouth, but I guess most people know that by now. 6. I am a super picky eater.

7 things you would never say: 1. "That makes you look fat." 2. I'm sorry, I don't like the Olive Garden." 3. "No coke for me." 4. "Kids are annoying." 5. "I just love your 1980's bangs." (Why are these coming back in fashion?!) 6. "Let's move to Florida." 7. "You can have my coupons."

8 things you love about the Christmas season: 1. The smell of the Christmas tree. 2. Sharing my beliefs with my family. 3. Giving Presents. Brett's already opened one. 4. All the Christmas lights. 5. Hearing Cohen and Kembry sing Christmas songs. 6. The talks in Church. 7. The busyness. Call me crazy, but I think it's so fun when it's all busy and crazy everywhere! 8. The snow.

9 things you say to your kids: 1."Mommy. Mom. Mama!" In that order. 2. "I will poke you in the eye now." 3. "Mommy! Kembry said her prayer wrong!" 4. "Mom, Kembry took her shoes off. 5. "Mommy, it's dark outside, but it's not nap time." 6. "Get outta my way!" (Guess who says that!) 7. "Mommy, there are only nice monsters under my bed." 7. "Oh! Papa Tims up the hill?" 8. "What day is it? What day is it? What day is it? What day is it?" 9. "Today is Saturday, and tomorrow is Sunday and we go to Church and sing three songs and then go to NURSERY!"

10 things you do a lot: 1. Work 2. Clean 3. Laugh 4. Play 5. Cook 6. Read 7. Hang with Tan 8.Eat 9. Sleep 10. Go to the movies.

11. things you would rather not live without: 1. Brett 2. Cohen 3. Kembry 4. The Gospel 5. My mini-van 6. Modern medicine 7. Books 8. My "dry" sense of humor 9. My home 10. The mountains 11. FOOD!

12 people to tag: I don't think I know twelve people. But, here are some people I'd like to hear from! Holly, TANYA, Cheyenne, Kimby, April, Lacey, Lynsie and whoever else wants to do it!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A moment to rant

You know what I can't stand? (Nothing good can ever come from a conversation that begins with that…so here comes nothing good!)

I can't stand when people have some epiphany that makes them think that organized religion is the devil.

Every organized religion can be of the devil, of course, I'm not denying that. Evil can be found in anything.

Off subject. Point coming to a blog near you soon…

Point: When these people go out of their way to simply do everything said religion taught them not to do just because they were told not to. I mean, we're talking about adults here people. "No, I'm going to drink this whole bottle of vodka because you told me not to. Then I'm going to have random intercourse with strangers because YOU TOLD ME NOT TO!"

Boy, that'll show them. Hangovers and STD's. Few, glad you dodged THAT bullet, dummy.

And then they traipse around saying "Vote Democratic! Vote Democratic! Because Mormon's are Republican, and we HATE Mormons!"

For people who preach that they hate preaching and blanket statements, I sort of want to write down what they're saying on a piece of paper, and shove it down their throats!

Just for a moment, for those of you who have heard my voice, just imagine me saying this. It's kind of funny.

For those of you who have never heard my voice, when solicitors call my house, they ask to speak to my mommy. Helium balloons do little to change my pitch, and glass breaks when scream. My voice hasn't changed since I was six months old.

Anyway…wow, I do feel better. Few. Like getting an annoying hypocrite off my chest.

Thanks for listening.

I'll be nice next time…maybe.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Kelly’s Totally Excellent Favorite Christmas Movie Ever

I've gotta be honest, my favorite part of Christmas is the movies.

Oh, and all the love and giving and crap.

But, if you've been living in a cave on the moon with your fingers in your ears, like I've so often suggested, then maybe you don't even KNOW what the BEST and GREATEST Christmas movies are. Maybe, just maybe, you've been waiting, down on your knees, begging and praying for SOMEONE, ANYONE to please, PLEASE tell you.

Well, I'm here.

To tell you.

That the greatest Christmas movie ever is:


Go. Watch. Enjoy. And when you've wet your pants from pure, insane laughter, think of me.

I love it when people think of me with urine in their pants.

It makes my day.

And when you're done with that, I'll tell you another one.

But I'm going to leave you yearning for it. You have to want it. You've got to need it, like air, before I'll give it to you.

Because I'm the only person in the whole wide WORLD who knows!

Well, me and the movie store guy who sold it to me. Cause I told him when I bought it. And now he knows.

And there was no urine in his pants.


Kelly Out

Confessions of a Housewife

Crimes I swore I would never commit as a mother, but find myself increasingly doing:

  • Having cereal as a snack. I used to say that I wouldn't even allow cereal as breakfast! Ha!
  • Watching as I demand my children to clean up their toys. I used to help them, now I sit on the couch with a leather whip wearing a Burger King mask they're terrified of. Okay, not really the mask, but you get the picture.
  • Allowing late nights. Until recently 8:30 was the bedtime, no arguments. Bath first, story second, bed third. Now they're lucky if they get jammies on.
  • Mini-van fun talk. When Cohen was little, and Kembry just a squawking little baby, we used to practice our ABC's and 123's in English AND Spanish. He was the only 18 month old I knew that could count to twenty in two languages. Now, they're lucky if I acknowledge "Mommy! Mommy! Mooooooommmm!!"
  • Dinner. This is pathetic. I mean, we do have dinner most nights, but there are some nights when I could easily go without cooking. McDonalds sounds fine. Chicken nuggets, bring it on. In what little pathetic defense I can offer myself, I always get them the apples or a salad as an alternative to the French fries. I get myself the French fries. I have proof in my thighs and butt.
  • Sleeping when they're not. This is very recent and wholly blamed on mono. Nap time is almost non-existent in our house, though there are those special, amazing, miracle days when they actually tell ME they're tired. But in the meantime, I find myself napping while they play "nicely" in their bedroom. This arrangement seems to work for all of us.
  • And last but certainly not least: Saturday activities. Brett works Saturday's most of the year, so those were always kind of our special day. But now, increasing with frequency as Brett begins to stay home as well, we mostly just lounge around the house, poking each other and picking belly lint. I just can't bring myself to want to leave the house on these fabulous weekend days. I call it Satur-goraphobic-day.

But right now, as I type this, there is fresh bread baking in the oven, the sweet aroma wafting over my immaculate house as my children conjugate their Latin verbs and I sip homemade apple cider out of cute snowman mugs. **Hysterical laughter**

Have a lovely Wednesday…

Kelly Out

Tuesday, December 09, 2008


"What's the difference between a Dentist and a Sadist? Newer magazines."

-Jerry Seinfeld

Thanks Jerry, you summed it up for me.

Monday, December 08, 2008

It Begins

My darling 2 year old daughter, Kembry, a.k.a. Brat-Head, a.k.a. Satan, a.k.a. Jeany-Bum, has decided that she is ABOVE wearing a diaper.

That she should be allowed to wear princess pull ups, and dispose of them at whim.

That she doesn't have to use the big girl potty, unless she doesn't actually have to potty.

That her brother is her own personal slave, and should follow behind her, picking up and throwing away said princess pull ups.

That she is queen of the house, officially usurping my pretended role.

I hate potty training.

Even more, I'm praying I only have boys from here on out.

As if I didn’t have enough going on…

This little baby girl, Ada Belle, makes my womb lurch.

Holding her, listening to her coo and caa and watching her smile makes the cobwebs on my uterus disappear, causes my stiff legs to unlock at the knees and begin that incessant bouncing.

Seeing this little baby makes me crave, more than ever, the feel of a small foot pressing on my bladder from the inside.

This darling little angel forces me to beg the husband for one more mouth to feed, for one more bottom to change, for one more life to destroy with my lack of mothering skills.

Ada, you rock my world girlfriend!

Oh, and Holly, you're pretty cute too.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Pandora.com - some Tuesday Pointlessness

I love Pandora.com

It makes me feel important.

If I don't like a song, it bows down low and says, "We're so sorry. Music like this will never be played again."

That's right. And don't let it happen again! Is what I say…

Okay, not really…but still, it's fun.

Kelly Out


I wonder how I can train Brett and the kids to do that. "This dish wasn't washed properly!" "Yes master, it will be redone, it will never happen again."

What can a husband do?

My poor husband. I mean, that really goes without saying, he married a mad woman after all.

But this mad woman has decided to re-read Jane Austen. Poor fella. I'm reading Northanger Abbey, and when he was snippy with me last night (okay, not snippy, Brett's NEVER snippy, but he kept on persisting to get his way) I called him Mr. Thorpe.


What an insult, right?

Well, he had no idea…

Poor guy.

So, if there are any other Jane Austen Husbands out there, give Brett a pat on the shoulder next time you see him, nod your head, and give him a look that clearly explains you know what he's going through.

Maybe you could form a "I Hate Jane Austen Book Club".

I think Brett would volunteer to be President.

Monday, December 01, 2008

In Addition...

The train came by and the kids gotta go for a Thanksgiving ride...I don't know about this no lip smile thing she's doing...it's weird...

The Merkel-Myers bringing some goods. And Brandon glaring. Teenagers. Hmph.

My darling, adorable, perfect, wonderful children...3.2 seconds before they attacked each other.

The face of an angel, stuffed with some strange cheese...


I think I grew up a little bit this Thanksgiving Holiday. Just a little bit. I was still more excited to see Santa than Cohen and Kembry were.

Ever since our blessed nuptials, I've been bugging Brett about our traditions, about what I wanted to do with our own little family. Like Christmas Eve stories, and Thanksgiving at our house every third year (again, I've grown up a little, I realize how incredibly STUPID that ambition was). Of all my fantastical ideas for tradition, how many have I implemented? Um...zero. Poor kids.

This weekend as I watched the sisters (being Brett's mom Marilyn and his Aunt Sherri) go about their traditional ways, I realized that carrying on a tradition is a talent, a gift. Being able to bring together large groups of family members who do little to cooperate is not a simple task. I know. I'm one of the least cooperative.
Every year, on Black Friday, the Hyde Sisters begin the amazing, complicated, expensive, difficult, time consuming tradition of dipping chocolates. This is something I've taken for complete granted the past 6 years. I love dipping chocolates. I love making the centers. I love being with the whole family and listening to Christmas music and laughing and telling stupid, pointless stories and yelling at my children for eating more than their legal limit on sweets.
But the thought occurred to me and my sister-in-law that one day it will be up to us to continue this tradition. Me, who can't even bring herself to read a simple story to her kids on Christmas Eve. And I began being Thankful for a whole new reason.

I'm thankful for the traditions in our family. I'm thankful that Marilyn and Sherri have the incredible gift, talent, to bring us all together weekly. They hold us together like no glue on earth could. There's a natural force that seems to be dividing families, pushing them away from each other, and I understand a bit more about the incredible strength used to hold everyone together.
The handing down of statements, beliefs, legends, customs, information etc., from generation to generation, esp. by word of mouth of by practice.

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