Friday, December 14, 2012

Gratitude in the Midst of Sadness

I don't always like to blog about my spiritual experiences, or put them anywhere on the internet, because it's very hard to translate spiritual experiences into written word.

Especially to the public at large.

I also tend to not like to cast my pearls before the swine.  NOT THAT YOU'RE SWINE!  On the contrary, old friends, it is because I love you and trust you that I move forward with this post.

Today I'm sharing do I put testimony is burning in my chest so fiercely, and has been since yesterday.  The Spirit seems to be urging my thoughts to focus on an important lesson I'm supposed to learn.

I read a few articles yesterday about "feminism in the LDS church" and it disturbed me.  It hurt to hear that there were people being so hung up on the worldly things of the Church, and less concerned about the important things: Christ, sharing the gospel, and growing closer to our Heavenly Father.  

I'm not going to link to the articles because I don't want to propagate anything that was said.  There was nothing in them that was spirtually uplifting aside from ONE out of NINETY THREE comments.  The articles themselves were enough to make me cry.

Really, I cried.

(Brett reminded me that when the 3 Nephites asked to remain on Earth the remainder of it's days, that Jesus told them they would not suffer any pain, but for the sorrows of the world.  I understand that much more now than I ever did.)

And so I turned to the prophets voice.  I turned on conference and let the Spirit fill the void of hurt that was growing inside of me.

The Spirit reminded me of the Book of Mormon.  And that this blessed revelation was meant for our times.  

I could not have been reminded of that even more forcefully after today's devastating news.

During wars in the Book of Mormon we read about countless numbers of men being slaughtered.  Literally, they could  not count all the bodies.  We also read that even women and children were slaughtered.  Even children.

My heart aches and rejoices at the same time.  It's a weird, conflicting feeling, to be sure.  I'm so sad to know that our times are like those in the Book of Mormon.  That war is upon us.  Not just wars of nations, but wars on morality and goodness.  Wars against God and His people.  Even wars among His own people.

But I rejoice knowing that, like the times of the Book of Mormon, we have a living Prophet.  That we know the direction in which we need to head.  Lehi saw our times.  Saw all the wicked standing in a great and spacious building, laughing at those of us who stood firm in our testimonies and clung to the iron rod.  

I rejoice feeling the Spirit of comfort and knowledge.  Rejoice knowing that Heavenly Father hears our pleas, comforts us in our trials, and directs us when all the light in the world seems to have gone out.

I cannot imagine the sorrow of those who have lost their little children today.  Instead of planning for Christmas, they will be planning funerals.  

I am so grateful that the Lord has given me the gift of the Spirit.  Has comforted my aching heart.  I hope and pray He will do the same for all those families suffering.

Friday, November 02, 2012


I can't believe I haven't blogged for OVER a month.

I am ashamed.

And it's only going to get worse.

I have about 4 million pictures I need to upload to the blog.  We've been having way too much fun over here.  Turns out when it's not a billion degrees outside, there's lots of way fun things to do.

Like hiking.

Visiting a Ghost Town...ooooooooh.

Having friends come to stay with us.

Swimming, swimming, swimming.

Playing with babies.

Getting a new (to me) hutch!  I've wanted one FOREVER!

And going to Utah (that doesn't make any sense at all!)

Regardless, we've been doing a lot of fun things.  And I can't wait to blog about every single one of them and make you all snore yourselves into a nice, sticky drool puddle.

But November is National Novel Writing Month.  And THIS is the year I'm going to participate.  I keep putting it off, saying things like, "I can't write a novel with kids crawling all over me!"  And I'm probably right.  Well, *snort* I usually am right, but anyway.  I've discovered I can mostly type while I'm nursing.  And I just need to find the time.

And neglect my children a little more.  What?!  It teaches them independence.  I should get an award for being such a forward thinking mom.

So if anyone wants to join me, because even crappy writers need support groups, email me!  I'm totally stoked to get to know other writers.  I'm starting my writing career by saying "totally".  Oi.  This does not bode well.

See you all in December!!!

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Life As Everyone Wants Us To Know It

"Oh my gosh!  These carrot sticks are divine!  I love eating healthy!"

They just downed 50 Cheeto Puffs.

Cheeto Puffs look like carrot sticks.  And they are divine.

I'm so excited to run my 50 millionth marathon!

They take a picture at the finish line with sweat they earned...walking to the finish line from their car.

I'm not actually going to run a freaking marathon!  You kidding me?  But everyone else is.  So I should, too.  Even if it is just in my mind.

I love being a mom.  It's the greatest thing in the world.

Probably just got pooped on.  And slapped by a two year old.  And probably have sixty loads of laundry sitting in the middle of their living room floor.  And probably, they haven't showered in 5 days.  And probably, that smell is them.

Reality sucks.

"I feel fabulous after pushing out my 15 pound baby!  I could run home from the hospital if they let me!  I even brought my size 2 jogging pants just in case!  They totally fit me!"

Probably wearing a size two DIAPER to catch all the blood leaking out of their hoo hoo.  The only running going on is down their leg.  You know what fits them?  That mumu they've already leaked a gallon of milk all over.

Reality sucks.

Kelly's Corner (This is where I go to spout out my opinion.  I.e., this entire blog is my corner.)

It's really wonderful that people live these perfect lives.  But I don't.  Not even close.  Most of the time I am deliriously happy.  I have awesome friends, a great guy, cute kids, and a McDonalds right up the street from me.

We have little debt, a nice home.  Strong testimonies.  Food in the pantry.

We have a good life.  But that doesn't mean that sometimes it doesn't suck.  Sometimes our life is horribly difficult.

Sometimes my perfect husband is one insensitive comment away from getting a hatchet in his head.

Sometimes my cute kids are covered in marker from head to toe.  And stink to high heaven.  And scream at me.  Sometimes they even say they hate our house.  They call me a mean mom.  Often, they don't eat all their vegetables.

Sometimes I cry for hours.  Go to bed at 6.  Let the kids stay up way past their bedtime so that Brett has to put them to sleep when he gets home from Young Mens, and I can just go to bed.

We get take out two times a week.  Most of the time.

I eat out for lunch way  more than I should.

My running consists of diving for the last bag of Cheeto Puffs before the two stoners reaching out for it nabs it.  Seriously, I did this.

I wear pajamas to WalMart.

I only get to wash my hair about once a week, sometimes twice.  I do, at least, try to minimize my stench if I'm going out in public.

What I'm saying is, I truly believe most of what we read on blogs and Facebook is what people want us to believe their lives are like.  There's nothing wrong with this.  Selective truth is still truth. Like I said, I have a great husband.  Take from that what you will.

Don't be bummed by what others say.  Maybe their life is perfect.  Probably it's not.

I think President Uchtdorf's now famous talk says it best:

"Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

It's wonderful that you have strengths.

And it is part of your mortal experience that you do have weaknesses."

I have my strengths, friends.  So do you.  I'm terribly jealous of so many of my friends' strengths.  But I know that like me, they have their weaknesses.  I hope we all realize that life is beautiful, and ugly, and fun, and difficult, and totally worth it.  No matter who you are.  And your life is your life.  Don't compare it to others.  Because what you're comparing it to actually doesn't exist.

Reality is...a bag of Cheeto's, sweaty pits, bloody show.  It's also lazy mornings, singing together, laughing hysterically, games, car rides, vacations, and a million other absolutely wonderful moments.

C'est La Vie!  Live it!  Love it!  And maybe, just maybe, you'll get to sleep day...

Reality Check

Apparently, having four kids is haaaaard.

At least for me.

I really don't know why this should be.  I mean, when I had Chloe (#3), things went as smooth as if I had taken a bottle of Xlax.  Exlax?  Whatever.  You know the joke.

The transition was so good.  Cohen and Kembry accepted her like a sister.  Ha.

Is it because this time around I have a two year old?

Is it because she screams over every, teeny, tiny little thing?

Am I simply less capable than most people?

Is it me?

The problem here is that I made this goal to be more patient with the kids.  Yeah, I think that's the problem.  Who makes a goal to be more patient with their kids when they're only getting, on average, 4 hours of sleep at night.  Interrupted sleep, no less.

Not smart, Kelly.  Not smart.

So now, I'm being more patient with the kids.  But all that annoyance builds up, and all of the sudden I'm taking it out on my husband.

He's the same man as always, I think.  But now I want to slug him in the face when he tells me he's tired.

You're tired!?  I want to wail.  You're tired?!  

One night I actually whacked him in the face in the middle of his dead sleep.

With a pillow, calm down.

On the plus side, I absolutely love my family.  I feel it when I pray to ask for forgiveness for my murderous thoughts.  I feel it when they hug me despite being so unhuggable.  I feel it in the middle of the night, when I'm nursing sweet Kian, and he grabs my hand and stares up at me.  I even feel it when Chloe gives me loves after a 45 minute tantrum.

I feel the love.  And it keeps me going.  Even if it doesn't help me bathe more often.  Or do the dishes.  Or take care of that weird smell in the house I can't identify.  Or change diapers.  Love is still pretty magical.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

There are many things I didn't forget about having a newborn.

Like how incredibly soft he is.

How he molds to my body, snuggles right up in my neck, sighs and goes to sleep.

How he smacks his lips when he's hungry.  *Swoon*  Why is this so cute?

But there are a few things I totally forgot about.  Good thing, too.

Like how hard it is to swaddle a squirmy baby in the middle of the night.

How tired I am in the middle of the night.

How when he's sleeping, I want him to be awake, and when he's awake, I want him to be asleep.

How he'll take a binky from anyone but me.  Seeing as how I'm the human binky, and he prefers it.

How he poops. All the time.

Baby gas.  So sad.

That crying jag at 1 in the morning and you have no idea what's wrong.  You bounce, you rock, and soon you run out of ideas because you're so tired you probably wouldn't know how to use the restroom yourself right now let alone sooth a fussy baby.

But I also forgot...

About their tiny hands and nails.  Tiny feet.

About watching older brother and sisters loving on baby.  Oh my.

About how he shudders with complete contentment when he's done nursing.

About bath time.

About tiny socks and onesies and diapers so small they get mistaken as bouncy balls by my 2 year old.  Probably ought to throw those away in a more timely fashion...

Baby burps.

Baby snuggles.

Even baby cries.  So sweet.

I can almost (almost being the KEY WORD here, folks) see how people have 8,9,10 kids.  Having babies can be a teeny, tiny bit addicting.  Loving every stage.

I watch Chloe and my heart pitter pats and I remember when she was a baby but I wouldn't change back time and give up this fun new stage with her.  Never the less, I have a hard time putting down my baby boy.  Every time I do, I feel the clock ticking away and feel him growing bigger and bigger and needing me less and less, and while it's nice to have a little independence, it's also so wonderful to watch them fall asleep in your arms.

There is something so exciting about getting to know a new human being every step of the way.  A new member of our family we don't even know, who will be with us for Eternity.

But, Eternity can wait.  Right now, I think I'll settle for a baby kiss, a Chloe kiss, and a nap.

Monday, September 03, 2012


How we spent our Labor Day.

"King of the Turtle!  Call me 'Tortuga'."

"King of the Turtle huh?  I'll call you nothing but a cab to take you away from my Turtle Island.  Call me Queen Tortisa!"

And then, of course, there's Chloe.  The stoic.

"My turtle."
At least Kembry is always ready and willing to pose.


 Ï feel pretty."

Öh so pretty."

Ëven when my toothless brother tries to ruin the picture."

Here she made this face because, and I quote, "Sometimes super models make this face, mom."

She can get away with it.  She's such a doll.

And then there's the stoic.

Ï will sit here like a lady, but I will not subject myself to the stereo types of the world.  If my sister chooses to focus on looks and looks alone, to dole out smiles whenever someone points a camera at her, that's fine.  That's her choice.  As for me and my standards, you  may take my picture, but that is for posterity.  And grandma."

"You can take my profile.  Profiles have been documented for centuries.  A profile picture is a perfectly respectable thing."

Älright.  One cat walk pose."

My kids.  Cohen isn't in most of these pictures because he was busy climbing to the top of the water fountain.  

The End

Friday, August 24, 2012

1 Week Old

Hail The Conquering Hero: Take IV

I don't know how it happened, but my cervix is the gate keeper.

I was sure I wouldn't see my doctor for that Wednesday appointment.  He was sure.  My mother-in-law and mom were sure.  BRETT was sure.  We were all so sure Kian would make his appearance before 39 weeks.


The thing about being induced, and this is my first time, is that it's a hit or miss.  I mean, first, you have to wake up at the butt crack of dawn, nay, before the butt crack of dawn, to call the hospital to see if they can even take you.

So I stayed up all of last Wednesday night fretting.

"What if they can't take me tomorrow?  I'll die.  I.  Will.  Die.  My moms will hate me.  Brett got work off, and it will have been a wasted vacation day.  What will we even do tomorrow if they can't take me."

So, 3 a.m. comes, I make the call, they tell me they're full and they'll "call" me when a labor room becomes available.  Psht.  I've heard that line before.  Ok, not exactly that line.  But still.

So, of course I couldn't go back to sleep.  I cried.  I seethed.  I hit Brett and made him wake up and suffer with me.  He lasted all of 23 seconds.

I laid in bed until 9 the next morning without having had another wink of sleep.  I knew I'd regret it.  I called the hospital a few more times.  Always the same answer: they'll call.

I made my appearance to two very disappointed mothers.  I was grumpy.  I was feeling picked on and pregnant and super uncomfortable.  I didn't want condolences.  I wanted to shop.

So, I did my makeup.  Pulled my hair back.  Put on a bra.  Miracle of miracles.  Got dressed, came out and then the phone rang.


I've never wanted a phone call like that in all my life.

It was really strange going to the hospital to have a baby and not be in labor.  It was so calm.  Got into bed without bending over in agony.  Took myself to the bathroom several times.  Watched t.v.

I breathed through the first 6 hours of pitocin induced contractions.  It turns out those breathing exercises really work!  Who knew!

Even when they were coming fast and furious, breathing really helped.  I wanted to keep going without any pain medicine, but I'm weak, and the nurse kept saying cryptic things like, "The doctor is coming to break your water.  If you want an epidural, you'll have to get it now."

The anesthesiologist kept coming in, squirting a needle excitedly, only to be turned away from me.

But I gave in.  Got the epidural (most painful one out of 4, I might add).  I asked for only one dose, and I could still move my legs a little bit.  The doctor came and broke my water.  40 minutes and 2 pushes later, Kian was born!  Bing bam boom.  He was crawling up and looking to latch on before they even cut the umbilical cord.  It was awesome.

I got to hold him as long as I wanted right after he was born.  It was love at first sight.  All my worries that I had being pregnant evaporated the second he squawked.  And really, it was only one squawk.  Absolutely adorable.  The whole birth was so quiet and calm.  It was amazing.

7 lb 8oz
20 in
Born at 8:28 pm August 16, 2012
Reddish blonde hair and dark green eyes (weird, huh?)

More pictures to come:

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Size J Crochet Hook Would Do the Trick

*Warning: Post contains irritable complaints from 38 week pregnant woman sitting in 102 degree weather at 10 in the morning.  You've been warned.

Sometimes you need a blue personality to validate you.

My good fried Mel is always good at giving me perspective and helping me realize that, essentially, I'm not all that crazy.

I'm crazy, but just the normal degree.  I'm like a level 3 crazy.  Not too bad.

Someone posted on my FB status that I was impatient to get my baby out.

Like, what's so different from you and all the other billions of women pooping out babies?

I don't know, but I assume it might have something to do with a good solid month of contractions.

Of worry and stress that he'll come too early.

Then of just not knowing: are these horribly painful and hard contractions doing anything to that gate-keeper of cervixes?

Do we go into the hospital?

Do I risk it and end up pooping the baby out in the car.

Or the laundry room, because that's usually where I am, anyway.  (Statistically, it would be the laundry room.)

So, it felt really good to have Mel tell me she went through the exact same thing.  Pissy uterus and all.  Worry, stress, pain, restless nights, foggy days...

Throw in 118 degree weather and that level 3 crazy isn't looking too shabby.  I swear I'm seeing things.  The house exploded (didn't I just clean it?)  The dishes are multiplying on their own and my laundry is going at it like rabbits.

Hallucinations?  I totally think so.

I hate to complain (haahaha!  not!)  But, I'm so done.  Being induced in 5 days does nothing for my sanity.  I'm eyeing my crochet hooks with tender love.  They could break my bag of waters like nobody's business.  In the meantime, I'll walk another 3 miles, brave Saturday morning Costco in Mesa.  With 4 million octogenarians telling me a) how absolutely adorable and perfect my children are or b) how absolutely horrible and petrifying my children are.  And I will pray my nubs off that I go into labor.  Right. Freaking. Now.

(You think this is bad.  This is coming after much heart felt prayer, giving all my sense of control over the Lord for him to hold the burden.  This is the stuff left over. ;)  Or maybe I'm just not that good at letting go of control.  Nah...couldn't be that...)

Friday, August 03, 2012

Eviction Notice


This is your official notice.

Get out of my uterus by tomorrow or I'll...




I'll wait a little longer.

Friday, July 27, 2012

36 Weeks

Size of Kian:  My little guy is the size of a honeydew?  If you say so...He feels like the size of a toddler.

Total Weight Gain:  9 pounds.  I gained 12 total with Chloe.  It should be fun how much I've gained by my next appointment on Wednesday.  I wonder if they'll be neck n' neck.

Movement:  Soooo fun and sooo uncomfortable.  He's found some nice little niches in my hips, and they're getting pretty sore.  I thought he had flipped himself around, and sure enough, he had.  We did an ultrasound to make sure he was head down, which he is, thank heavens, and he was completely backwards.  Guess what?  He flipped back last night.  How is this even possible at this point?

Sleep:  Last night was tricky.  Lots of contractions sprinkled with nausea.  My poor pelvic floor hurts so bad when I roll over.  I wake up all sore and achy.  But, I'm still getting a lot of sleep, more than I'll be getting in a few weeks, that's for sure.

Symptoms:  More and more cervical mucus.  You're welcome.  Dizziness, exhaustion, bouts of energy.  Nesting.  Sore pelvic floor.

What I Miss:  I can't remember what it's like not being pregnant.  That should be fun to experience again ;) I need to remember that this is such a short stint in life.  9 months.  Possibly my last pregnancy.  I should enjoy it.  Still...COME OUT ALREADY!

Cravings:  I still don't have much of an appetite.  But somehow I'm still gaining weight.  Again, I hope it's all going on him, because I don't think I'm going to wait until 40 weeks to fatten him up!

Doctors Appointment:  I'm at a 1 1/2 50% effaced and baby is NOT ENGAGED.  I repeat, NOT ENGAGED.  Although,  my doctor did his darndest to shove his arm up there to check.

He doesn't think we'll make it much further than 37 weeks.  I have no predictions at this point.  Last night was pretty intense, but I kept thinking, "They'll stop.  They always do." And they did.  A good five hours later.

Picture:  You didn't know beached whales wore pink shirts, did you?  And I can tell last night did some pushing down.  Pretty sure his floaty head is engaged at this point.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Longest. Day. Ever.

I thought yesterday was a long day.

And it was, don't get me wrong.  My kids just don't have as much fun with a mom who can't move without having a contraction.

As far as discomfort and bored kids goes, yesterday was a long day.  Cohen was in tears at the end of the day, he was so lonely and bored.  Ok, and exhausted.  Doing nothing can be very exhausting.

But today.  Sigh.  Today.

My little ones are at a sweet neighbors house.  They have boys Cohen's age, teenage girls for Kembry to play with, a loving, doting grandma for Chloe.  And bunnies.

I just can't compete with that!

They're in heaven while I'm...

I'm watching The Dick Van Dyke Show.  Down 32 episodes since bed rest.

Stalking Facebook.

Annoying my husband and family with an influx of emails.

Buying used Baby Suites ($20!  I'm so excited!).

I did my make up.  *GASP*

Did my hair.  *DOUBLE GASP*

And all I can think is...I wish my kids were here, being bored with me.  I need a Kembry hugs and a toothless Cohen smile and a Chloe scream of joy.  Like manna to my soul.

Boy I'm getting needy.

Monday, July 23, 2012

35 Weeks

So I'll be 36 weeks on Wednesday.  This post is a little over bad.

I blame being 35 weeks 3 days pregnant =)

Size of Baby Boy:  Muskrat is the size of a coconut.  About 18-19 inches at 5-6 pounds.  I still say he's going to be a big baby.  But then, it feels like he feels every inch of my torso, when really he doesn't.  I can breathe almost fine, he's not all up in my business.  Still, he feels hukamongous.

Total Weight Gain:  Up a pound.  I hope it all went to Kian.  He needs it more than I do ;)

Movement:  His movement has turned into that painful squirming.  The worst of it starts around 8 at night, of course, just when we're settling down and I can pretend to complain to Brett about the squid he impregnated me with, when really I love it (despite the slight discomfort.)  My belly sometimes does that whole lopsided look thing when he pushes his butt up.  So cute.

Sleep:  My sleep is yet again plagued by 50 million potty breaks during the night.  Thankfully the Ambien helps me pass right back out, so I really can't complain, other than I'm super sore in the morning from all the squirming out of bed I have to do at night.

Don't you love getting out of bed when you're a million weeks pregnant?  I feel like a circus act when I do it.

Symptoms:  My contractions are revving up.  And with them, my irritability and impatience.

I also had sugar in my urine for the first time ever.  Brett says this is not so, that I had sugar in my urine all the time with Chloe.  I kind of stared him down, like, "Boy, you crazy."  But he swears.  I don't remember that at all.

Speaking of sugar in my urine, I can feel a definite physical aversion to sugar.  Well, my body had an aversion to it.  Very depressing.  I've had to cut out almost all sugar just to feel slightly normal.  I promise I'll mention something this week to my doctor.  Heh.

Leaking.  Don't you just love all the nuances of pregnancy?  This is my fourth time around and I'm still going, "What the heck is this stuff?  This can't be normal?  Is this normal?  Honey, smell this."

Anxiety and excitement.  My friend is 2 weeks further along and I keep day dreaming about her having her baby more than I do my own.  I think I'm a wee bit wary of the pain of labor, but of course.  I remind myself all the time that epidurals do exist, they do, they do, they do.  And I get them.  And I love them.  And they're not as scary as they seem.

What's so scary about having a 50 inch needle shoved into your spine?

What I Miss:  Just not feeling so huge and achy and pregnant.  I miss sleeping on my belly.  I miss rolling over without changing the tide pull.  I miss my body.

Cravings:  I have zero appetite.  Even sugar sounds yeck to me, thank heavens.

Best Moment of the Week:  Um...I don't know.  It's been a pretty calm and lazy week.  I think my favorite day was when Kembry went to play with some cute little girls her own age.  She had so much fun.

Also, being naughty and getting out of the house.  My kids start school in a few weeks, like right after baby boy can "come".  All I could keep thinking is that my kids would be the only kids in the entire school to not have any of their supplies.  Not that Brett isn't perfectly capable of going alone, but getting him to go alone is a trial in and of itself.

So, to help me sleep at night, or to shut me up, which ever, he let me tag along to the store to get their school supplies.  Awwww.  I can breathe again.  Plus, it got the kids all excited for school to start!  Make that, it got us all excited for school to start.  Yay!

Not my favorite day: today.  Chloe learning how fun it is to slam doors repeatedly.

Sibling Rivalry:  My poor kids are definitely in serious need of R&R.  Too much being babysat by the tv and iPad.  We might have some friends over tomorrow, which I hope helps them regain some of their sanity.

Photograph:  That's right.  I hate pictures of myself, but I was sad looking back at all my posts about Chloe and having zero pictures.  So, here are some.  34 weeks, I think.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

34 Weeks, Ma!

Hey there, little squash baby.

Size of Munchkin:  Kian is the size of a squash, and getting fatter every second.  I can't wait to pinch those chubby cheeks (while he's sleeping.  Wake up, dang it!  It's day time!)  JK.  I don't pinch my babies...nope, never...

Total Weight Gain:  I lost 2 pounds so I'm up 4.  Or something.  I've honestly lost track of the math at this point, and I can't remember my starting weight.  I should've asked.  But I just don't care anymore. 

Movement:  Things are getting snug.  Sometimes I think he's trying to attempt a double back hand spring, but to no avail.  Poor little guy gettin' all squished like a squash.

Sleep:  Has actually improved.  The Ambien and I have found a nice system that works for both of us.  I still get up 600 times to pee, and I still have contractions waking me up on occasion, but all in all, I'd say it's improved.  Which is awesome, considering most women at 34 weeks pregnant have sleep issues. 

Symptoms:  Well, I got smart and started taking Prilosec a few nights ago and WHOA!  What a difference.  I haven't had a Tums since I started the Prilosec.  Sometimes I wonder at how slow I am.

We went in to L&D Sunday night.  It only took two shots of terbutaline to stop the contractions, and I got to go home feeling like a tried and true crack addict.  That stuff is awful.  Holy moly.

I have PUPP, which I have never had.  Super itchy little bumps on my arms and hips and buttocks and the tops of my feet.  So far lotion and aquaphor have been a major help.  Also, cold showers. 

That's helped in other areas, too ;)

Annnnyway, most of the stuff is just par for the course.  Really sore pelvic floor, which is probably due a lot to having contractions and having my squash push down so hard on me.

I waddle. 

Messy house.  Symptom of bed rest.  Well, messy bedroom, mostly.  The RS President came and straightened up and vacuumed and cleaned my kitchen.  Bless her.

What I Miss:  Freedom.  Cleaning my own home.

It's really awkward having someone else clean your house while you just lay on the couch.

I asked her if she could please say things like, "Oh, honey, how can you let your house get so messy?"  so that I could pretend she was my mom ;)

Um, not being on pelvic rest.

That's right, I said it.

Cravings:  I have a serious lack of appetite.  Some days I've only eaten apple sauce and toast, with a bowl of cereal sprinkled in here and there (mini wheat's, my hemorrhoids champions), so when something strikes me as yummy, I try to make Brett jump on it as soon as possible.  So far only spaghetti and chili beans have really sounded good.  And chocolate.  Always chocolate.

Best Moment of the Week:  It's been a pretty relaxed week.  The kids go somewhere in the mornings until 1, and then come home and Chloe goes down for a nap.  It's been pretty monotonous around here.  Probably the best part was Brett getting to go to the Temple thanks to someone bringing in dinner and cleaning the house.  So grateful he got to go.

Sibling Rivalry:  The kids have been doing so well, getting along and not killing each other or driving me insane.  Kembry's medication is really helping, and her moodiness is starting to calm down.  After only less than a week, I'd say that's a freaking success! 

We do chore charts with them, and it's been so helpful.  Cohen changes the kitty litter and feeds him and it really encourages Kembry to eat all of her meal (yes, that is one of her chores.  Her medicine can be an appetite suppressant, so we're trying to keep her on track with meals.)  They have other chores, but I think it's just so cute that Cohen diligently cleans the kitty litter every day.  Mothers.  We're so easily impressed.

And Chloe continues being the perfect little angel she's always been.  She's my favorite.  Except that she doesn't give me enough kisses or hugs.  We'll have to work on that.  Maybe add that to her chore chart ;)


Hopefully we'll have a brand stinking new baby then ;)


I think Brett's nesting, but I can't tell if he's doing it to please me, or if he's just super cute.  Or both.  Cause both are cute.  He's cute.  Sigh.

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Who Wears Mink Stoles, Anyway?

It is hot.

I'm locked away in my dungeon, the coolest room in the house.  The window unit here says it's only 70 degrees, but I think it's a big fat liar.  In fact, I told it as much.

My hair sits on my neck like a mink stole, and I wonder if it's possible for a pregnant woman to go through menopause. 

The book says I'm hot because my blood vessels are swelling, and there are 50% more of those vessels rushing through my flushed body.  Also, my metabolic rate has increased to make my body more efficient.

I can tell you this: it better me digesting everything more efficiently.  Every little piece of loose fat rolling around my body, making itself at home in my butt and thighs and, sigh, boobs.  Digest!  Digest away!  And if not, MELT, MELT AWAY!  How is it not melting in this heat?  How am I not melting?

Does Kian feel this uncomfortable in there?  Short of running around in the nude, I can't figure out how to stay cool.  I experimented yesterday with a box of Popsicles.  Didn't work.  Oh well, it was a good try.

The good news: Brett picked up my books from the library that I had on hold.  One, I've already read, and I remember loving it.  I'm so glad I can barely remember it.  It's like reading it for the first time all over again, knowing I'll love it!  "Dinner at the Homesick Restaurant" by Anne Tyler.  Highly recommend.

Second, "Daisy Fay and the Miracle Man" by Fanny Flagg, who wrote "Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe".  One of my favorites.  Dad recommended this one to me.  It's written from the point of view of an eleven year old girl and I think it's just adorable that he wanted me to read it.  Love my daddy.

Hope you're all having a cool, Sunday afternoon!

Saturday, July 07, 2012


Kembry started taking ADHD medication.

She talked for 74 hours straight today.

She cried because there are no pyramids in Arizona.  The only desert without pyramids.  The inhumanity!

And she just wasn't in the mood for most of went on today. it too soon to switch her medication?  Or possibly get something for mommy?

Like Xanax?  Or just an ax.  

Sometimes vodka sounds so appealing.

Friday, July 06, 2012

Here We Go Again

And breathe...

Well, I'm on bed rest.


I can't complain, though.  Shoot, I can do 3 1/2 weeks standing on my head.  But instead I'll do it lying in bed.

I rhyme all the time.

"Anyone want a peanut?"

My LEAST favorite thing about bed rest (WHAT?!  You mean there's something you DON'T like about bed rest?  Odd...) is asking people for help.

Since we're out in the middle of nowhere, and scorpions don't make great babysitters OR bbq, and because we keep killing them, we have to rely on other human beings to help us.


I hate asking for help.  It's so humbling.  Yuck.

Can't I...just walk down the street naked?  Now THAT would be humbling.  And terrifying.  For everyone.

I'm super grateful for all the help we've been offered.  By people that have families of their own to worry about.  Thank you thank you thank you.

So here's the low down on my being down...down...

A few weeks ago, I was having contractions.  I know, shocking.  So they did the usual tests, one of them being the fFN, which "predicts" (not very accurately) if a woman is likely to go into labor in the next two weeks.  I tested positive.

Two and a half weeks ago.

*Rolls Eyes*

However, testing positive also puts me at a higher risk for my membranes breaking.  And other stuff.

It all comes at a very convenient time, as I am having more and more painful and consistent contractions.  Just like with Chloe.  And I plan on using them, oh yes, just like with Chloe.  I will have this baby by August 2, as OB's everywhere are my witness.

In the meantime, I'll be doing a lot of reading, sleeping, crying...the usual bed rest entertainment.  Feel free to stop by and say Hi!  I can't promise I'll be wearing a bra...just saying...

Friday, June 29, 2012

Bestest Mom Ever

The other day I looked at Kembry and thought, "Sheesh, you are getting fat!"

Then I realized the outfit she was wearing was 4T.  She's nearly 6.  Such a sweet mother I am!

Soooo, I went on over to the Old Navy and purchased a billion shirts, some shorts, some shoes and a dress.  Spent a total of $60, it was awesome. 

When we got home I made her do a fashion show for me.  Turns out, 6T is waaaay too big.  So now I get to go and exchange a billion shirts and some shorts.  And poor Kembry was so excited to finally have clothes that fit.

Mother of the Year here.

32 Million Weeks Pregnant!

I love when people ask when I'm due (like every forty five seconds.)  I tell them, "A week after never."  They laugh, I cry.  Typical for this time of the pregnancy, I think.

Size of Kian:  According to, Kian is the size of a squash.  I think he's about the size of a 40 pound toddler, but I'm biased.

Total Weight Gain:  Holding strong at 6 lbs gain.  HOWEVER, I feel much, much bigger.  I mean, I feel like I've gained 60 pounds.  I feel huge.  I feel fat.  I feel all jolly.  Ok, not really on the jolly part. 

Gender:  Still a fella.  Just got my little man a manly manly car seat cover.  I guess he probably doesn't want to be toting around in the pink one.  Boys.  Psht.

Movement:  It's getting slightly uncomfortable.  He loves my cervix, just like Chloe.  He's grinding whatever body part into it daily.  I love how I can feel his little limbs now.  I love pushing them down, and having him push them back.  I think we're playing.  He's probably just annoyed I keep moving him.  Mothers.

Sleep:  My doctor gave me Ambien and I hate it.  My problem isn't FALLING asleep, it's STAYING asleep.  Ambien knocks me out like a heavy weight loser, but I'm still up at 3 and 4 in the morning.  Only, if I take an Ambien, I'm exhausted the rest of the day. Sooo, I'm giving up on the idea of sleep for a few months. 

Symptoms:  Holy contractions batman.  I'm having them, or they're having me, I'm not sure what.  I'm on medication (for the contractions, not the schizophrenia) and most days it helps.  It makes me super dizzy and nauseas (it's blood pressure medicine, and I already have fairly low blood pressure, so you can imagine.) 

My house and my children are being effected badly, but I don't care, well, more like I can't care.  I'm thinking I may just need to hire a maid the day I hit 36 weeks 6 days.  She can get it all nice and clean and then I can happily go into labor.

I'm also having the usual: pelvic pain, acid reflux, headaches, dizziness, swelling.  My fingers and hands are falling asleep.  My wedding ring doesn't fit most days.  My lips and nose are swollen.  I feel like I have nine chins.

What I Miss:  Sleep.  Sleep.  Aaaaand sleep.  I should say I miss cleaning, but I don't.  I miss the house being clean.  I miss holding Chloe whenever I want.  I miss having lunch with my girlfriends without breaking out into contractions.

Cravings:  CHOCOLATE!

Best Moment of the Week:  I had to go in early because of my contractions, but I was comforted that I wasn't quite a "finger tip".  I love doctor lingo.  This is almost exactly where I was with Chloe.  By 35 weeks I should be a 2.  By August 2 I should be pushing this baby out.  Hahahahahaha!  All according to my will.  Psht, yeah right.  This kid will probably hold on until 42 weeks. 

That's ok.  He'll be here before I know it! 

Sibling Rivalry:  My prayers have been answered and my children are returning to normal-ish.  Well, possibly because I'm returning to normal-ish.  I feel a bit more normal now, anyway.  We'll see how long that lasts!

Monday, June 25, 2012

How I Know Heavenly Father Answers Prayers

(Loooong post)

"O, Remember, remember..."

One of the most important things about prayers being answered is first remembering, and then showing gratitude.  I assure you I have done both.

Last week was a baaad week for me.  And, subsequently,  for my kids.  And, subsequently, for my husband.  Let's not even get into what it did to my personal hygiene. 

I spent many hours in my scriptures searching for peace.  Several pages of heated writing in my journal.  It wasn't until I finally folded my arms and bent my head in humble agony and begged for peace and release from my struggles, that I found comfort.

I'm going to tell you what I prayed about, because it fascinates me how Heavenly Father answered those prayers.

First, I prayed that my husband would be more supportive.  That he would do more around the house.  That he would be more present.

The answer in my mind was that Brett would come home, tell me to go to bed, would clean the entire house, make dinner, play with the kids, and put them to bed.  Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.

My answer came in the form of a friend of mine.  Maybe she heard something in my not-so-subtle post on FB lamenting my woes (I may have said something like, "Kill me now..." I'm not altogether sure...) but the next day she said, "I'm coming over.  What's your poison?"

What amazes me about her support was that the day she came over was also the anniversary of the birth of a child she later lost.  She came over and gave me comfort on a day that she really deserved it.  I hope I reciprocated.

The answer to my prayer came as we talked about our spouses and marriage.  She told me about her husband (who sounded incredibly like me) and about herself (who is a lot like Brett) and as I was listening to her, I realized I was listening to what Brett would possibly say about me.  If he was a chick and talked about such things.

I love my friend.  I think she's amazing.  And so I felt horrible as I listened to her.  I felt like everything she said was something Brett could equally complain about.  I started to appreciate everything he did for me, for our kids.  He's by far one of the most amazing men I've ever known, and I was so down in my own dark depression that I didn't stop to think that maybe he was having a bad week.  Maybe he needed a little service.

I was humbled.

I hurried and hopped online as soon as she left and shot out an email telling him I was sorry for the previous email I sent (I'm sure you can imagine what it said) and I told him all the things I should have said in the first place.  Later, he told me how amazing it was, the turn around, the difference in tones.  I think he could feel the Heavenly help I was receiving through reading that email.

I had also prayed that Heavenly Father would take away my crazy emotions.  That He would make my thoughts stable.  That He would slow my anger.

Basically, I just wanted him to take it all away.  The perfect answer.

How the answer really came...

Later, that same day, as I was about to finally put Chloe to bed and lay down myself and let Cohen and Kembry have their way with the house, Cohen said, "What about swimming?!"

Oh snap.  That's right.  We go swimming on this particular day.  Physically, I was not feeling up to it.  Emotionally I was doing a little better.  I stood there and wavered, and the Spirit whispered to me, "Go."  I argued back, said that it was 111 degrees and I was an exhausted 31 week pregnant lady on the brink of insanity.

The Spirit whispered to me, "Go."

So, we went.  It's no easy task taking 3 kids swimming alone.  The sunscreen, the towells, the pool bag, the screaming, very tired toddler.  But we went.

And again, I lamented to a friend.

I told her how crazy I felt this pregnancy.

She said she was crazy with all five of her pregnancies.

I cried about how much I cry.  About how I yell at my kids all the time.

She told me that her brother, who is a psychologist, read an article that showed a woman on hormones has the same brain activity as a schizophrenic.

I don't know why this comforted me.  But it totally did.

I told her my biggest secret of all, because it all just came pouring out.  I said it out loud for the first time.  I told her how I just didn't feel connected to "this baby".  The fact that I even call Kian, "this baby" makes me break down into tears.  What was wrong with me?  How could I be so horrible?  When I think about this pregnancy, I just want it over with already.  I want my body back.  My energy.  My sanity.  I think about the affect it's having on my marriage, on my relationship with my children.  I hardly ever think about holding my sweet son in my arms for the first time.

She told me she didn't connect with any of her five babies.  Not really until they were a few months old.

We left swimming and again, I was humbled.

The rest of the day was not perfect.  The rest of the weekend, I yelled.  I cried.  But I also tried harder and I also remembered my prayers being answered.  I shared with Brett my experience.  I think he was as amazed as I was to see the Lord's work. 

I cannot express the joy I felt knowing that Heavenly Father heard my cries.  And how well He knows me, to go about sending angels in my life to help answer my prayers.  Not at all the way I thought they should be answered.  But in a much, much better way.

I am a Daguther of my Heavenly Father, who loves me...

I hope this helps anyone out there having a rough Monday.  Take a moment, kneel down, pray.  And then wait patiently and lovingly, knowing that your Father knows you better than you know yourself, and that you are surrounded by angels.


Afraid and wandering, we lost our way.
With no aid in sight, we began to pray:

“Please keep us safe in such hostile lands,”
Then came the warm touch of Heavenly Hands.

Perhaps one on our shoulder when we felt alone,
While another pointed the way which then led us home.

The help came unseen like the wind as it blew,
But we all felt it upon us, and that’s how we knew;

That angels still watch and sometimes send us a “rose” –
A gift to remind us that Heaven still knows

All that we go through and all that we need.
Surely Heaven is with us, if we’ll only give heed.

Greg Olsen - 2001

Saturday, June 16, 2012

28...30...Oh However Many Weeks I Am Now!

I'm not 31 weeks until Wednesday, so I'm cheating and aging my baby by 4 days.  

Size of My Kian:  On Wednesday, he should be the size of a pineapple.  And I'm just about as comfortable as if I had a pineapple in there!

Total Weight Gain:  Sigh, it was inevitable.  I had to gain weight eventually.  I mean, he weighs close to 3 pounds, so there's that.  I have gained 6 pounds.  However, my hips have grown 6 inches.  As have my boobs.  I feel like I'm already sporting around the porn star look. 

Gender:  He's still a boy, although we didn't get to see his boyhood on the ultrasound like I was hoping.  I'm not too worried.  But if he comes out a girl and I have to do a whole bunch of laundry out of nowhere, I might be a little bitter.  For like a second.  Maybe I'll make Brett do it...

Movement:  There's a party going on in my uterus, and I wasn't invited.  He moves a lot in his sleep, as we found out in our 3D ultrasound.  It was so cool to see him wiggling around.  Then the technician gave him a little alarm-wiggle, so to speak, and he woke right up.  

Why am I awake?  Don't I have enough going on, now I have to be awake too?

Appointments:  We're at the two week appointments.  I'm excited.  I think every pregnant woman feels like that marks the beginning of the end.  The light at the end of the tunnel.  I wonder if Kian feels the imminence of his arrival? 

Sleep:  I get tired just thinking about it.  Sleep did not come easily in Utah.  Sleeping on a blow-up mattress for a week will do that to a person.  Especially a very pregnant person.  I've slept better in my own bed, of course, but still I get up every few hours to pee or to worry or to think.

Over the years I've gotten pretty good at turning off the thinking, telling myself it does no good to dwell on things I can't change at 2 in the morning. 

I think the lack of sleep has been the main cause of my grumpiness.  I feel like I'm grumpy all the time.  Brett would say otherwise, because he's afraid for his life.  Smart man.  But everything is annoying me.  I've been a real peach to be around lately ;)

What I Miss:  Sleep.  This part shouldn't come after the "sleep" portion.  It's all I can think about now.  *Yawn*  Is it nap time yet?

Cravings:  CHOCOLATE!  Which would explain the extra weight I gained all the sudden!  Also, McDonalds french fries with a large coke.  And last night: hot chocolate.  And this morning: cinnamon buns.  Pregnancy cravings are crazy.  I mean, not the stuff I crave, just how incredibly powerful that craving is!!  I must have it!

Symptoms:  I have been struck with 3rd trimester nausea.  But I'm also hungry all the time.  It's really sucked! 

I've been having contractions on and off.  I don't know if it's just because I know what to expect or what, but I'm not as nervous about them as I was with Chloe.  I just stay home and deal with the discomfort.  Sometimes I start to time them.  Sometimes they pick up in speed and sharpness, with noticeable peaks and drops.  Like yesterday.  But I just lay down and rest and pray, and then they slowly stop. 

It's still annoying, "Do I go in?  Do I not?"  I've spotted twice, but nothing came of it, so I didn't worry.  I'm pretty sure I'm starting to low my mucus plug, which makes me worry a little bit.  Whenever I walk and get discomfort "down south" I worry that I'm loosening things up even more.  So I'm sort of walking around on egg shells.  Which reminds me, I need to sweep the kitchen floor.

Best Moment of the Week:  Definitely Kian's ultrasound.  It was so cool and so creepy.  We watched him snuggle with his foot, scratch his nose, yawn and blink.  It was really creepy seeing his eyes open.

He blinks in this video.

He yawns at the very end in this one.  

Cutest fetus.  Ever!

Sibling Rivalry:  I knew that letting the grandma's at them would spoil them rotten.  I knew it would take weeks to unspoil them.  Still, they have turned into little brats!  Where are my sweet, rule abiding, chore finishing children?  If you see them, please send them home.  My sanity needs them back.

Where I Been At and Other Unimportant Matters

Well, we done did take our summer trip to Utah last week.  Remember that trip?  The one where I was going to bask in their 80-90 degree weather all summer

Yeah, we were there for a week.  One lousy week.

Stupid money-making job of that husband of mine. 

But I can't complain too much.  The time we spent there was wonderful.

First of all, when did Utah turn into a verdant rain forest?  Seriously, it was the greenest place I've ever seen...compared with the bleak desert I live in now.

Don't get me wrong, I love our new desert home.  Heat and dirt devil storms and Havalina's and all.  Oh my.

We did everything and nothing.  We stayed up late with old friends playing games.  We went camping and played in a river and ate hot dogs and s'mores (I will now admit that it was the FIRST s'more I've ever eaten, because, it is the FIRST s'more I've ever wanted to eat.  I blame the fetus.)  I'd also like to note for future generations that I set up the tent and blew up the mattress and made our beds entirely by myself.

We spent a lot of time with Brett's good friend, and I'm grateful we got to. He's having a rough time in his life right now, and it's been really hard being so far away, not being able to be there with him and for him.

We visited with family, we ate at Cafe Rio (although this was hardly novelty, there is a single Cafe Rio 20 minutes away from us in AZ.)

It was awesome.  I took no pictures. 

When we got home, we had some visitors stay with us all the way from Colorado for three days.  It was a lot of fun.  I'm tired, but happy.

And now...I rest.  And bake my baby.  I'm good at bakin' babies.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Too Fast

Where does the time go?  Tomorrow I'll be 28 weeks pregnant with my 4th and final child.

I have two kids thoroughly enjoying a summer vacation before they begin 2nd and 1st grade.

Ok, they're not the only ones thoroughly enjoying summer vacation.  I love having them home.  Mostly, I love not having to wake up, rush to get ready.  Forget lunches.  Take them to school.  Drive back to school with forgotten lunches, homework, backpacks, etc.

I love that they keep Chloe entertained.  I love that they can finally have some time to play with their friends.  To get to spend 2 hours playing video games instead of just 20 minutes.

I love the indentured servitude.  Forcing them to earn their 2 hours video game time ;)

Kembry is writing a book for me about a magical world in her closet called Candy Land, lead by a nice and noble Candy King called Candy Keeper.

Chloe is destroying everything with crayons.

Life is good.  It goes too fast.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

27 Weeks

Size of Baby: Kian is the size of a rutabaga.  He's about 2 pounds and 14 1/2 inches long.  And he makes ample use of his limited space, I can tell you.

Total Weight Gain:  I'm up another pound, bringing the total to 3 pounds.  Again, I'm not complaining.  But I'm convinced I just have a lot of extra food storage for my little guy, so he's all set.

Gender:  Boy.  Active and wiggly.

Movement:  Seriously, the wiggliest baby ever.  In history.  Well, my history.

Appointments:  I had my appointment today.  It went well.  I have something called...something.  It starts with an "S" and has other letters attached to it.  I just get dizzy easily.  Not just when I stand up.  When I'm already standing.  Thankfully it's not something I do that often *wink*  It also makes me super tired.  Throw in 400 degree weather, and you have yourself a pretty useless pregnant lady.

Also, I asked if I could possibly take steroids if my back got out of control again.  She said YES!  I wanted to cry with joy.  Hopefully, it won't come to that, but I'm just so relieved.

This baby is measuring small, and I'm carrying low.  I'm measuring about 20 weeks.  She didn't seem concerned, and I have an ultrasound in 3 weeks, anyway.  Plus, I can feel him growing, I know he's definitely getting bigger.

We're going back in 3 weeks, and then we'll start the 2 week appointments since we're at a slightly higher risk of pre-term labor.

Sleep:  Is still not great.  Again, I can fall asleep like a pro.  I just wake up too early and can't go back to sleep.  But my wonderful daughter still takes naps, so I do, too =)  And I have an awesome husband who has been making dinner pretty much every night, which gives me extra time to rest.  Like right now.

What I Miss:  Not much.  I realize all of the discomforts are temporary, and yield such an awesome treasure, I'd be willing to put up with them for a year.  Luckily I only need to worry about them for a few more months.  Woot!  I do miss my energy, and being a full-time mom and wife instead of full-time bed sore.

Cravings: Cafe Rio's pork burrito.  Oh yummy!

Symptoms:  Crazy, weepy hormones.  I don't think I had this bad of a hormone issue with the last ones.  Brett would disagree if he wasn't so afraid of me.

Best Moment of the Week:  Hearing that I can take steroids again if I have to.  Every time I take a step and my back nearly knocks me down with pain, I panic.  And that panic wears me out.  It's a huge relief.  I can't even express it.  Also, tomorrow will be awesome, because it's the last day of schoooooool!  For the kids, that is.

Sibling Rivalry:  My sweet Kembry öfficially" has A.D.H.D.  It breaks my heart and makes me feel happy to be on track to getting her help.  I love her so much.  She's such a great girl, she's so loving and talented.  I see a great future for her!  And possibly a bottle of xanax for me *wink*

For some insane reason I decided to count Chloe's tantrums yesterday.  I did it until 11, because then it just got depressing.  Ironically, she was pretty good after 11, as long as she was on my lap, in my arms, or eating candy.  I mean, carrots.  I only feed her vegetables.

Cohen is starting to try to assert his independence through back talk, but he's terrified of me, so he mumbles it.  It cracks me up.  Today I  helped him straighten his room, and he threw all his books willy-nilly onto his bookshelf.  I told him, "That's not how we put books away.  Try again." And he mumbled, "Don't worry about it."  As I write it out, it doesn't sound that bad of a back talk.  And, honestly, it was a little funny.  But he got a time-out for it.  Might as well nip it now.

But I love my kids.  The more time I spend with them, the more time I want to spend with them.  I feel very little desire to go out on dates (though Brett and I did go to a movie on Saturday.  It was dumb, total waste of our time and money.)  I just want to be with them.  I probably won't feel the same way after 1 week of having them home from school in 105+ degree weather, but hopefully it won't change too much ;)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

26 Weeks

Size of My Boy:  Kian is the size of a lettuce head.

Total Weight Gain:  I'll know next Wednesday.  When I'm rounding the third trimester.  What what!  I'm so excited.  I may have tunnel vision, but the third trimester always seems like there is light at the end of that tunnel.

However, I have not been eating well.  And my guilt shows, if not my weight gain.  Seriously, what is in those creamsickles?  Crack?

G-g-g-gender:  Still a boy, as far as I know.  We get to do our 3D ultrasound June 13th.  I would like another shot, just to make sure.  Especially considering I just did 4 loads of little boy clothes.

Movement:  I hope I can always remember this boy and his wiggles.  He is by far the most wiggly baby I've carried.  I love putting things on my belly and watch him kick them off.  Maybe I'll get some video.  He loves hearing Brett's music.  LOVES!  Brett's recording some of his music right now, and when he plays it back, Kian dances like maniac.  Like he's never danced before!  If I set my laptop on my belly, he can kick it off.  Strong boy!  "I think he's gonna be a soccer playa!"

Sleep:  My sleep is actually...well, it's weird.  I can fall asleep, no problem.  In bed, on the couch, in the bath...driving...But I keep waking up earlier and earlier.  If I'm smart, I just get up and deal with it.  If I'm not smart (like this morning) and I stay in bed and toss and turn, and fall back to sleep and wake up about 50 more times, then I'm really grumpy and hormonal the rest of the day.  So even though 5 AM is a wee bit early, I think it's my new wake up time.  Kian will probably be groovy with that judging by how active he is then.

What I Miss:  Being sane.  Having low flow hormones.  Not crying over everything.  Not cramping.  Having round ligaments but not knowing I have them.  Seriously, ouch!  How much more stretching could they possibly need to do?  I've had 3 other children...aren't they already stretched out?

Cravings:  Not healthy food, basically.  Chips, creamsickles, spaghettio's, McDonalds french fries.  Oh my heavens, McDonalds french fries, yes please.

Symptoms:  Headaches.  Bleeding Gums Murphy.  Round ligament aches.  Sore cervix.  Constipation.  I wish I had a protruding naval, but I have a crater for a belly button and it's NEVER poked out before.  Bummer.  Lower back pain, sciatica.  Heat exhaustion, dehydration.  Horrible swelling.  You know, the usual stuff.  All totally worth it.

Best Moment of the Week:  

This Weeks Thoughts:  What's in a name?  My whole family is now using Kian's name, and I love hearing it.  I wasn't sure there for a dark moment.  I want to spell it with a "C", but I'm the only one.  Kian's name isn't even registered on the social security list.  Ok, it is.  It's like 346, or something.  Which is what Brett and I like.  We've only  met a handful of other Cohen's, no Kembry's, but...ack!  Chloe's name is #10 on the most popular, and one of our friends just named her sweet little baby Chloe.  I still love her name, and don't mind, really.  But it's fun to see peoples reactions.  They always tell what cute names our kids have, and I like that.

Their names really fit them.  I think it's interesting that Brett and I always agree on a name (just one, gender specific) before we even know what we're having.  That's usually a good indication of what we are having.  Even when the doctor thought Chloe was a boy.  Brett said, "Yay, I'm excited, but I really liked the name Chloe."  "Me, too!  Bummer!"  Turns out, we got what we wanted.

Same with Kian.  We decided on his name, without knowing what we were having.  We couldn't figure out any girl names we really liked (we were all over the place, I liked Charlotte, he likes Kisha, or something.)  Anyway, what's in a name??  Only that child's entire future.  President Kian O'Connor Neff?  I think it has a nice ring to it...

Sibling Rivalry:  These kids.  I love them to death.  As in, I may strangle them, but love them the entire time I'm doing it.  Ok, not really.  You can't really joke about that these days.

We just found out Kembry has A.D.D.  I feel both validated and sad.  Validated that I'm not crazy and she really is all over the place, and sad because it can't be easy for her.  We have her official appointment on Wednesday, and I'm excited to move forward with helping her.

I have a feeling she'll "grow" out of this, or, learn to deal with it or overcome it.  But in the meantime, I am not averse to medicating her.  And if it doesn't work, or she doesn't like it, or it changes who she is (that's where I draw the line) we'll take her off.  We've managed with parenting styles up until now.  I mostly want to get it worked out so that school isn't so difficult for her (or her future teachers!)  She's doing excellent when it comes to learning.  She's right up there with Cohen.  She could probably surpass him, if she could focus long enough *wink*.

Cohen scored just a few points below the gifted and talented.  I know, we're all so disappointed *rolls eyes*.  Are you kidding me?  That kid is awesome and so smart and wonderful.  He's going to be in a cluster class next year.  I...have no idea what that is.  They explained it to me back in the first trimester.  It did not absorb.  I'm such a good mom!

Chloe has officially started the terrible twos.  She is a tantrum queen.  And you know what's really creepy and cute (at the same time): she has Kembry's exact laugh.  Twilight Zone.  The best treatment for Chloe's tantrums (grandma, pay attention!) is to ignore them.  They get bad.  Real bad.  Thrashing, screaming, head banging, hitting, wailing, gnashing of the few teeth she has...But really, the best thing is to just let her have it.  Ignore her, and then when she stops, open up your arms and give lots of loves and hugs.  And never, ever leave the house.

This last week has been a roller coaster of emotion for me.  Which is hard, because...I don't love emotion.

I don't love to cry.  I don't feel better after a good cry.  I feel worse.  Worse for being "weak", worse because my eyes are swollen and gross.  Worse because I can't explain to Brett why I'm crying (I don't even know why!).

I consider today's wicked headache as the apex of this horrible hormone week, and am determined that tomorrow I will be flying high.  Tomorrow, the sun will rise for me, and  I won't curse it for making me hot and sweaty, and blinding my headache with horrible pain.

Speaking of sweaty, it's going to be 106 today.  Right now I feel cool and comfortable, not moving from my couch.  The shades are drawn, all the fans are going, and my AC is only on 78.  I feel confident that I can make it through the day in the same shirt.

Ha!  Sweat is seriously at the forefront of my mind.  Yesterday I drank 256 oz. of water and only peed once.  My lips were still dry at the end of the day.  I don't know how to stay hydrated in this desert heat.  If 256 oz of cool water can't do it, I really don't know what can, at this point.

I wrote letters to all three of my children last night.  I can't believe how big they all are. Kembry can read and Chloe is talking.  It's all so indecent!

Cohen will be 7 in a few weeks.  SEVEN.  Let that sink it.  SEVEN.  I will be mother to a boy.  Not a little boy.  A boy.  A wet-dog smelling boy.  A boy who wears black socks with shorts, boy.  A boy who thinks farts are funny.

Thankfully I can relive his babyhood once my new little boy is born.  And I will.  Oh, I will.  I'll say things like, "Cohen, when you were a baby, you would do this, too..."  Cohen will love it.  Or he'll pretend to, he's good like that.

In the meantime, in the in-between time, I'm going to take a nap.  And eat some Spaghettio's and another creamsickle.  And probably cry some more.  Why?  No idea...

Friday, May 04, 2012


Some days I almost completely forget I'm pregnant.

Well, not completely, not so much anymore.  I sort of have a HUGE reminder sticking out in front of me.

But some days it's really not at the fore front of my mind.

Other days, however, it's my entire day.

I forget the limits being pregnant sets on my body.  I forget I need to eat often (and healthy).  I forget to drink enough water.  I forget to rest. 

I forget to stay cool.

Ugh.  Even in a mall, I manage to over heat.  I've never had heat exhaustion before, but it is uncomfortable!  And sort of embarrassing.  I don't like security guards mulling over me, watching me drink ice water.  It was awkward, and uncomfortable.

So I'm determined to say cool.  Hence, I'm never leaving the house, which will soon be turned into a giant refrigerator.

Kids, so help me if you open that front door.

And what is with the hormones!

I was apologizing to Brett about how hormonal I've been lately.  His response, "It's okay.  You mostly take it out on yourself."

I'm thoughtful that way ;)

Here's to a cool 97 degrees today!

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

The Plan

Since I have little-to-no self control, I've concocted a plan to keep my orange cramsicle sucking down to a minimum.

I'm going to throw the wrappers in the same garbage bag every time.  Namely, my bedroom garbage bag, because I don't empty it out everyday. 

This way, every time I go to throw away a wrapper, I'll be reminded of the 40 I've already eaten, feel a huge amount of guilt and self-disgust, finish off the one I've already opened (I don't want to be wasteful) and then not eat another until I've forgotten the aforementioned. 

Whew.  Gonna be a lot of work.  Better start off with a cremesicle.

24 Weeks

Size of Our Little Stinker:  Kian is the size of a grapefruit.  Or there abouts.

Total Weight Gain: 2 pounds.  Not sure how this is even possible, but there you have it.  I am in no way complaining and hope I can keep up this trend.

Gender:  Still a bouncing baby boy!  And I'm super excited because this is the first pregnancy ever that I get to have a 3D ultrasound.  I've never seen what my babies will look like before they're born, and I'm super excited to get a glimpse.  I'm always so amazed at how much the newborns really look like their 3D ultrasounds.  Woo hoo!

Movement:  Oh yeah, he's a wiggler.  I love it!

Sleep:  I'm guessing he gets great sleep.  As for me, I'm becoming more acquainted with the lost sheep of yore.  I tend to wake up every morning, without fail, at 6:35.  It's getting eerie.

Contractions have been keeping me awake.  The discomfort and then the following stress that comes with them.  Will they stop?

What I Miss:  Not having contractions.  It was a nice run.  I lasted a lot longer than I did with Chloe!  I'm not throwing in the towel yet, or anything.  I guess I'm just wallowing because the last few days have been crappy.  But things will look up again!!

Cravings:  Orange-cycles.  Yep, went and bought a 20 pack.  I think I have 12 left.  So long net weight gain of 2 pounds.  Hello fat house!

Symptoms:  I'm already getting a little breathless despite the fact that little whipper snapper is riding super low.  Granted, when one has no torso, where does one carry a baby?  All over, that's where.  So even though he's stretching out my nether regions with all due diligence, I still feel a great deal of pressure on my diaphragm. 

"Why are you breathing so hard?"

"I just peeled an hour ago."  Ha!

Oh, and totally bizarre, I have (had) canker sours around my back molars, just around the gums.  Super painful.  Great way to diet.

Best Moment of the Week:  Um, having my labor stopped.  Ok, not really the best moment, per-say, but still kind of convenient.  I really enjoyed having a teaching partner on Sunday for Primary (riding solo is no fun after awhile) and she gave an awesome lesson.  I felt like I as in relief society and  I got to decorate a cookie.  Sweet.

Also totally awesome: having totally awesome neighbors.  Seriously, when Brett rolled in Monday night, and we needed a sitter right then, our awesome neighbors totally took the reigns and raised our kids for the night.  She even got Cohen to do his homework and Kembry to clean up the living room.  I love our neighbors. 

Worst Moment of the Week:  Yep, another one.  Spent Monday night in the hospital with stubborn contractions that refused to quit.  I felt comforted knowing that they weren't causing any changes in my cervix, so after the third medication and threats of admitting me, I moved the monitor up.  POOF!  No more contractions.  Ok, I still had some, but there were definitely slowing down to my liking, and that's all that matters.  In all honesty, I would have stayed if I felt there was a need.  I just didn't feel like there was.  Baby was fine, I was fine, and everything turned out okay.  Minus me feeling like I was run over with a dump truck.  And I still have contractions today.  Pooey.  But they're not regular enough for me to worry.  Just uncomfortable enough for me to not do the dishes *wink*.

Because I'm weird, I want to remember my irrational thinking.  When my contractions start getting closer and more regular, I do the most random things.  I try sitting and resting, and if this doesn't work, I try working.  I clean.  I fold laundry.  I make bread.  I take a little walk. I try my hardest to ignore them. Surprisingly, this makes it worse.  Who knew?  So I take a warm bath.  Rub lavendar on my belly.  Do breathing exercises.  After six hours of this, I finally call my doctor.  Why?  Because I'm stubborn and I really hope and think they'll stop.

But you try explaining this to a nurse in the Women's Center, and she all but calls the authorities on my neglectful behind.   Thank heavens I have my handsome husband there to explain to them my stubbornness, and that I really would never intentionally risk the life of my sweet son.  Plus, he's good looking.  Nurses always listen to good looking men.

The nice, totally awesome part about having an irritable uterus:  I can command it to go into labor at 37 weeks.  A quick romp around the neighborhood and BAM!  I'm dilated to a 3.  Okay, so that was with Chloe.  I'm just hoping I get that same pay out this time around.

This Weeks Thoughts:  I'm just so curious to know why I have an irritable uterus.  If we are in fact imbued with all knowledge in the hereafter, I am will be most anxious to find out just what was going on with that particular muscle.

Sibling Rivalry:  I guess I should write this part not after a night like tonight.  Still, it's good to remember the tough times to really appreciate the good times.

I think Kembry is having an adverse reaction to something.  Like manners, and behaving.  She bit a girl at school today.  She has never been a biter.  Or a spitter, or a hitter, or anything un-lady like.  She prides herself on being a lady.  Apparently ladies burp.  Anyway, not only that, but she had a royal tantrum because there was a retirement party for a teacher at her school, and she couldn't go.  Her teacher is dumbfounded.  I'm just dumb.  I can't figure out what's been going on with her poor behavior.  I hope we figure it out, because it can't feel good to keep being told that you're naughty.  I love her too much to keep pounding that into her.

But still, why the heck is she being so freaking naughty?!

Speaking of annoying know-it-alls.  Oh, I wasn't?  Well, Cohen is being an annoying know-it-all.  Luckily I get to just sit back and laugh because it bothers Brett more than it bothers me (lately).  Brett (and his mother) inform me that it's just the age, and all annoyingness will ebb in 10 or so years.  Holy crap, kill me now.

Speaking of darling little angels...Oh, I wasn't?  Because Chloe is absolutely the most perfect, beautiful, sweet hearted little angel in the world.  I just adore everything about her.  I can't understand how I have such a perfect little girl, but I do.  And Brett agrees.  So now it's doctrine.  She's perfect. 

And there you have it.  24 weeks of pregnancy.  A minimum of 13 to go.  Not too shabby.  I think I can make it =)

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