Friday, October 28, 2011

Be Still

Psalms 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God."

Brett and I are having a rough time.  I think the kids are too.  And normally, when I'm having a rough time, my bipolar kicks in.  I either want to wallow in my self pity, which I did Tuesday and Wednesday, and it was fabulous, or I push my sleeves up and do ridiculous things, like clean the house and bake.

Keeping busy sort of helps me forget that I'm feeling picked on.  Wallowing usually involves reading or TV, and that numbs me nicely.  But there are those moments in between where I'm forced to face what's really on my mind.

Loneliness.

Fear of the unknown.

Confusion.

Being overwhelmed.

Feeling homesick.

And as much as I try and try and try to block out these feelings, they're there for a reason, and I need to confront them.

Brett asked me the other night, "What do you think Heavenly Father is trying to tell you through these trials?"

I slapped him.  Just kidding.  I wanted to.  I hate it when he's right.

But I think I know a little bit more about what I'm supposed to be learning.  I need to, "Be still and know that [He] is God."

It's hard to be still.  It's hard to confront those feelings of fear and inadequacy.  But oh the comfort that comes when we do it through Him.

I still feel all those things, but I'm comforted to know that they, too, shall pass.

When we first moved here, I cried every night for about two weeks.  I thought we had made a huge mistake.  But those feelings passed.  And I knew they would.

So I guess what I'm trying to convince myself is that it's okay to feel sad and overwhelmed and lonely.  I won't always feel this way.  Time will heal.  I'll make friends.  Hey, I even found the library yesterday!  And eventually Brett won't have to travel as much, we won't have to make a house and rent payment in the same month, and the kids will have their own room.

All I need is time.

And chocolate.

2 comments:

The Hancuff's said...

kelly, first of all, i'm so glad you found the library. i've been trying to convince you all these years that purchasing the book is not the way to go:) second, I'm sorry that you're feeling lonely. I got your letter. i'm working on one for you. i don't have long distance on my phone, or i may have called you already. but as for the chocolate, i think i can help.

Cheyenne and Seth and Co. said...

Ilove you. More than hot chocolate at Christmas time.

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