Just Keep Swimming, Otherwise, You'll Drown

It's been one of those days.

Actually, this morning until about 1 was pretty peaceful and fun.

And then it turned into one of those days.

Which completely took me off guard, considering Chloe and I were getting along just swimmingly.

Enter nap-time.

I haven't slept well the past 5 nights or so.  Which is to be expected, considering I'm expecting, and it starts to get a little uncomfortable.  But last night, I felt the migraine coming on.  It was already 4 in the morning, and I wasn't about to take drugs that make me sleepy for 8 hours, 3 hours before I'm supposed to be up.

The joke was on me.  I took it first thing after I drug my exhausted tooshie out of bed.

Fast forward a few hours...

So Chloe doesn't want to take a nap.  Or she's teething or experiencing some sort of painful growth sprout or something.  Who knows.  Either way, I listen to 3 hours of off-and-on screaming with the will-she-won't-she-go-to-sleep question bobbing around in my head.  It didn't make for a peaceful naptime.

She did eventually fall asleep.  About 30 minutes before I needed to pick up the older two.

*Head to desk*


I've been able to stave off the pain portion of this migraine for awhile now.  But as the children become possessed by demons, it gets more and more difficult.  Aside from vision aurors, extreme fatigue, dumbness (seriously, I'm dumb on migraines)...and I forgot what I was saying.  Anyway, the pain seeped in.

So now I wait for my magic migraine medicine to do it's thang.  It just feels like it's taking an awful like time to do it...

And Brett is "installing" a new faucet.  I'm frightened.  I don't want to mop up whatever mess it sounds like he's making in there.

Just keep swimming.  Swimming, swimming, just keep swimming.

SHUT UP DORI! 

19 Weeks and Picture Day

Size of Baby:  According to MY ULTRASOUND, our little baby is 7 oz and about as many inches.  And right on time!  Size wise, that is.  We'll see how punctual the baby is in about 17-20 weeks.

Preferably 17 weeks.

Total Weight Gain:  I lost 4 pounds, which puts me -2 pre pregnancy weight and I am not complaining. 

Maternity Clothes:  Yep, I'm wearing them and loving them.

Gender:  Well, I WAS RIGHT!  BOO YA!  Ehem, excuse me.  It's a little penis-toting boy.  I am SO EXCITED!  We couldn't see anything between his little legs for awhile, and I was content with that.  And then WABAM!  Boy.

See?  See it?  BOY!  Yes!

Movement:  He is a wiggle wort.  I love it.  He moved a lot during the ultrasound, and he was also breech.  Which, of course, will change a few times between now and B-Day.  Hopefully...

Sleep:  *Yawn*  Let's talk about something else...The dreams, oh the horrible, horrible dreams.  Not just about the baby, but about Brett and the kids, too.  Plus, acid reflux, constantly having to pee, and back ache.  Yay for pregnancy!

What I Miss:  See above.  Seriously, sleep.  I'm so pooped by mid-afternoon.  So I get to take naps with Chloe, and I'm so grateful when she naps. 

Cravings:  I guess one can tell from the weight loss that I'm not craving much.  The bane of carrying a Neff boy en-utero.  Still, I am loving fruit mixed with Pearl Sugar.  Especially strawberries.  Yum!

Symptoms:  Oh, the usual.  Cramping, acid reflux, copious amounts of blood in my stool, homicidal hormone tirades....all right on track, I'd say ;)

Best Moment of the Week:  Today.  The ultrasound.  We took all 3 Neff kids.  It was a lot of fun.  Cohen kept the tech talking.  He had many, many questions.  "What's that red stuff?  Where's his leg?  Is that his arm?  What's the flashing thing?  Is that his HEART? COOOOOL!"  And so on. 

Then, when I walked Kembry to her class, the whole class said, "Kembry!" and a little boy sitting right by the door said, "Kembry, where have you been?"  She looked at me like, "Can I tell them?" and I nodded so she said, "I was at the HOSPITAL (we weren't) and my mom is PREGNANT!"  Her teacher said, "You're pregnant?! Did you find out what you're having?"  And Kembry said, "I'm going to have a baby brother, and my mom is PREGNANT!"  Too cute.

This Weeks Thoughts:  My friend Rachel made a funny comment and asked if (like she does) I ever think, mid-pregnancy, "What have I DONE?  I'm a total idiot for doing this again."  And yes, yes I do think that.  Less about the pregnancy and more about what's to come when he comes.  I mean, they're fun as little newborns and stuff, but then they turn into tantrum-throwing 19 month olds.  Or snotty 5 year olds.  Or know-it-all 6 year olds.  Don't get me started about what happens when they become TEENAGERS!  WHAT HAVE I DONE?!  Haha, but it's just the hormones playing tricks with my brain...right?  Sure.

Sibling Rivalry:  Nothing to report.  The kids love and fight, fight and love.  It's strange and fun to watch.  They're super independent, even Chloe, and I'm digging that. 

Here, for you're enjoyment, a creepy picture:

Yes, those are his eyes.

And as soon as I get my camera functioning, I'll post some pictures of moi. 

An Asterisk Update

Things I'm lovin':

*Nap time.

*Strawberries with Pearl Sugar.  Peaches with Pearl Sugar.  Ok, pretty much anything with Pearl Sugar.

*Neighbors with kids.  Whaaat.  I am loving having Gracie, Paige and Lincoln, and of course Logan next door.  I love sending them back and forth.  I love how everyone congregates at our house. 

*Baby kicks.  I felt it out the outside last night and I am hoping that I can soon make Brett touch my belly and feel it kick and make him fake amazement.  He's a man, it's not his fault.

*Target.  I found these adorable little spring colored ceramic pots for 2.50 each, which is awesome in my book.

*Costco sized strawberries.  Um, yum!

Things I'm not diggin':

*I really need to get my camera up and functioning.  *Sigh*  It's just so much work.  I don't like work.  Yuck.

*Acid reflux.

*Lots of pee.

*Hot.  Hot.  Hot.  It is HOT here mama, and it's only mid 80's.  I'm going to melt this summer. 



So maybe in a few days I'll have a few pictures uploaded of the "baby bump".  I have one from 16 weeks and then one recently.  So...yeah...we shall seeeeee....

Poof! 18 Weeks!

Size of Baby:  Our little sweet potato is the size of...well...a sweet potato.  Weighing in at almost 8 oz and measuring 5 1/2 inches, he's practically a line backer.

Total Weight Gain:  I have no clue.  Still haven't replaced those batteries in that evil scale.  I just pretend it's still 2 pounds.

Maternity Clothes:  When it's not sweats and Brett's sweater, it's maternity clothes.  I got some nice, comfortable new pants and a few new shirts and I'm really happy I did.  It makes me feel...well, not pretty but not frumpy.  Win!

Gender:  Now I oscillate.  Can you believe me?  My lack of determination has failed.  I guess we'll know more soon...

Movement:  Definitely something alive down there.  It enjoys sweets and V8 Juice almost as much as I do.  I get a guaranteed "Thank you for the goods" kick when I eat those things.  Of course this is my favorite part of the whole gestation thing.

Sleep:  Sleep has been sucking.  Pee pee breaks, terrifying dreams and a stretching uterus makes for a long, long night.  But I remind myself: it's not about how many hours I get, but how I feel.  And I feel...tired ;)  Ha!

What I Miss:  Well, sleep.  But after 3 kids I'm just used to it.  It hasn't started to phase me.  I can still remember...things...important things...like where Chloe is...crap.

Cravings:  They're random and sudden and all consuming.  "I must have a Sonic chili cheese dog or I.  Will.  Die."  But mostly I'm craving healthy things like donuts and soda.  Ok, and asparagus and broccoli and still V8's, thank heavens.

Symptoms:  The contractions have started again :/  And the bleeding from unseemly parts of my body :/  And the achy uterus and swelling of the legs, ankles, feet and hands.  Stuffy nose.  Bleeding Gums Murphy (name that cartoon!)  Headaches.  Heart burn and acid reflux.  Mostly all the fun stuff ;)

Best Moment of the Week(s):  I don't know, it's been a great couple of weeks.  We went to Utah for 9 days and saw all our favorite people.  Stayed up late talking with friends.  Ate Arctic Circle with Cheyenne.  Saw a movie with Miss Jessie.  The kids got spoiled rotten by grandparents and Aunts.  What a shame.  And we stayed a night at Circus Circus on a whim on our way home (which I do not recommend.  It's expensive and ugly and smells yucky and the food sucks.  The Brett and the kids had a blast at Adventuredome.)  So...the past two weeks have just been a whirlwind of fun!  Hard to pick just one moment!!!

Honestly, though, I guess there was a best moment.  We found out our new neighbors are MEMBERS (which shouldn't matter, but I was super excited anyway) and they're AWESOME, and they have KIDS.  So, win, win, and win.

This Weeks Thoughts:  As we go about looking to buy houses, I wonder where the baby should sleep.  I guess it depends on gender when deciding who will share a room with whom.  But I like looking at the houses we're contemplating and thinking, "This would be a great room for the baby and Cohen," or, "Chloe and the baby could share this room."  Cohen is all up for having the baby in his room.  I think Chloe is all up for...not having the baby anywhere near her ;)  JK.  She's actually really cute with other kids and babies.  So, that's mostly what I'm obsessing about this week.  Getting into a house permanently.  I can't wait!

Sibling Rivalry:  Our kids are just awesome.  I mean, really, just awesome.  They get along, they play together.  Cohen and Kembry are best friends (most of the time) and Chloe is as sweet as can be with other little kids and babies.  We are really, really blessed.

Living In the World, Not Of the World

Brett and I were at a place, and I felt this feeling.  A feeling that said "You shouldn't be here. You should leave."  I couldn't place why I was having this feeling.  And I didn't know how to tell Brett.  He was having a good time, and so was I, you know, despite that strong feeling.

And so finally we left.  And the feeling left.  But I was still troubled.  I compared my time at this place to another time when I was with a good friend for several hours, talking about good, uplifting things.  We laughed and joked, she made me tear up with her testimony and strong faith, and it was wonderful.  I felt good there.  I felt happy.  It was a very different feeling compared to the dark, unnatural feeling I was having at the other place.


Finally, on our drive home, I told Brett about it.  I realized so many things when I shared this with my Eternal companion.  At first, he asked me why I thought I had this feeling.  I don't know.  But the more we talked about it, the song, "Nephi's Courage" kept coming to my mind.  I thought about the words, "Laman and Lemuel were both afraid to try. Nephi was courageous, and this was his reply, 'I will go I will do, the things the Lord commands...'"

I was not being courageous where I was.  I felt like my friends knew my morals, my beliefs, my standards, I didn't need to reiterate them constantly.  But those same morals and standards were being attacked, and I should have stood up for them.  I should have been courageous.  I shouldn't have been afraid to offend.  I was so ashamed that I didn't listen to the Spirits continual promptings, and then warnings, to first stand up for our morals, and then to leave.

In Young Womens, I often heard stories of "I had this feeling to leave the party, and so I left."  Well, I had had those feelings, too.  And I always listened.  Now that I'm older, perhaps I thought I knew better.  I thought, I can be in the world and not of the world.  And while this is true, it doesn't stand to reason that the Spirit would warn me to leave.

Nothing dangerous happened.  The place didn't blow up.  Brett and I got home safely.  But as I was at this place, I was becoming more apart of the world, rather than just being in it.

I share this because I thought about all the times I've read about others experiences and how comforting it was to know I wasn't alone.  And because comments from friends with similar experiences always help me know that I'm not alone.  We read President Monsons talk, "Dare to Stand Alone", given at last conference on our trip home.  I realized that I wasn't alone at this place.  Not only did I have Brett, I had the Spirit.  A friend that I feel I didn't deserve at the time, but was still there to warn me and guide me, none the less.

Come Monday morning, I am bombarded with opportunities to stand up and take upon me the name of Christ.  It's still difficult, even after this lesson I was blessed with.  I still have a hard time telling people, "This is why I feel this is right," or "This is why I feel this is wrong."  I want to shrink back into a safe, protective bubble where the failing morals of the world can't affect me.  But then I'm reminded forcibly of my sweet and still somewhat innocent children.  And how I am, and need to be, an example for them.

I always tell people, "It doesn't matter where your children go, as long as they are prepared," and I feel that holds true for us, too.

What do you do when your morals and standards are questioned?

(PS This is a good talk about this subject. "Being In The World, But Not Of The World" by Quentin L. Cook of the 12)

Hormones, I Hate Thee

And it's not just the zits.

Or the itchy red palms.

Or the flesh eating disease.

It's the extreme emotions.  I can't stand extreme emotions.

I'm a red personalities.  If I want to cry, I go and cry in the shower.

But not when I'm pregnant.

Ho ho, oh no.

Last night Kembry wiped her burrito stained mouth on the sweater I had put on the back of her chair.  I couldn't believe she could be so insensitive.  How could she wipe her mouth on my clean sweater?  Why does the world hate me?  Seriously.  Hormones suck.

Last night I had a dream that everyone I hold dear, and I mean everyone, even childhood friends I don't get to see that often, all told me why I'm an awful person.  I woke up in tears.  And you  know how when you're pregnant those dreams are just so vivid and they stay with you all day?  Just not the funnest feeling to wake up  to.

But I think Brett bares the brunt of all my emotional insanity.

Sometime around midnight.

*Poke*

Me- Why do you love me?
Brett- Snore

*Poke. Pokepokepokepoke*

Brett-Whaaaaat?
Me-Why do you love me?  Seriously, I'm a mess of tears.  Just leave.  Find yourself a new, normal wife.
Brett-Go back to bed.

And instead of doing something smart, like exercise or yoga or doing something that would raise my endorphin's and make me feel better about myself, today, I'm going to curl up on the couch and pout and watch Pride and Prejudice.  Chloe just shuddered.  Let's just all hope I don't get personally offended when Mr. Darcy is rude to Elizabeth.

4 x 4 Weeks

Size of Baby: Whipper snapper is the size of an avocado.  He (she) weighs 3.5 oz and is about 4.6 inches long.

Total Weight Gain:  I don't know.  Last week is was 2 pounds.  I just ate there eggs sauteed in a pound of butter with ham...so, we'll just stick with 2 pounds.

Maternity Clothes:  When I'm not wearing Brett's sweats and sweater, yes, I'm wearing maternity pants.  Sigh.

Gender:  Last nights dream confirmed: boy.  And I have no control over my dreams.  I in no way influence my dreams by my wants and desires.

Movement:  I feel kicks a lot more often now.  It's awesome.  Especially after I eat and then lounge on the couch.

Sleep:  Sleep has been great!  No complaints here.

What I Miss:  Nothing, yet.

Cravings:  Protein.  Meat.  Yet, salt turns me off, completely.  This is how I know this is Brett's baby.  Oooh, oooh, Nerds.  And chocolate.  And ice cream and cake.  Very healthy things.

Symptoms:  I have a few zits, which is annoying, but I can't really complain.  Except, they're not like normal zits.  They're zits that are waaaaay deep down, stick waaaay far out, and never, ever come to a head.  You're welcome.

I'm also getting round ligament pain.  Cramping.  Baby nightmares.  Headaches.  Nosebleeds.  Um...oh yeah, uncontrollable hormones.  You know, the usual stuff.

Best Moment of the Week:  I guess I forgot to mention "brain dead" up there under symptoms.  Let me think here...I think the best moment of the week was giving in to a little nesting and unpacking a bunch of boxes, and getting rid of 5 boxes of books and two huge boxes of clothes, sheets, old shoes, etc.

This Weeks Thoughts:  I think it's usually around this time I start to realize what I've done.  I've gone and gotten knocked up again.  I'm excited about adding to our family, but the prospect of being pregnant for 24 more weeks makes me feel a little claustrophobic. Get it out!  Get it out!  Get it out! Especially knowing I can't take anti-inflammatories or steroids for my back.  HOWEVER, I still love being pregnant.  These are just moments of panic.  Totally normal.  Right?  Right?!

Sibling Rivalry:  Chloe is growing up so fast.  She's been around a few babies recently and it's been really fun to see her smile and touch softly (most of the time) their little faces.  I know she has no idea what's "about" to happen, and that's ok.  Cohen and Kembry have turned into big helpers around the house, and I just hope and pray that they'll continue being big helpers.  Having older kids rocks.  Slave labor, baby!

9 Is an Odd Number

Sunday was my 9 year anniversary.

*Hold for applause*

Yes, thank you.  Those of you who had 9 years in the pot, sorry, you lost.

I didn't post the day of because I've been thinking a lot about my beloved.  And even though I post for my readers, I also post to remember.

Brett is an amazing person, in addition to being my  husband ;)  He's a true friend.  He sticks with people, no matter what.  He sees in the cast-aways the very precious diamond in the rough that they are.  And then he brings them into my life.

He's artistic.  He doesn't just draw his new wife while she's sleeping (year one), or write her beautiful music (pre-marriage, year one, two) but he also creates.  He creates art in our home.  He is artistic in the way he parents, always thinking about what "angle" to use and how to best create the outcome he's hoping for.  He's absolutely amazing.

Brett loves me even when I don't.  He doesn't take to heart my lack of self-esteem and self deprecation.  He brings me out of my slumps.  When I'm overwhelmed and on an emotional roller coaster, he makes me laugh, even if I don't want to.

The man does dishes for Heaven's sake.

He holds the priesthood.

He serves valiantly in our faith.

He loves our children.

And for some reason, he married me.  I won't try to figure out why.  I'll just bask in how lucky I am for the rest of eternity.

For our anniversary, I lay in bed on pain medications while he spent 2 hours helping Cohen clean his room.  Not as fancy as some of our others, but definitely on the top ten list *wink*

Happy 9 year anniversary, weirdo.  I love you.

Compartmentalize

Men compartmentalize.

This means the following:

If dinner needs to be made a man thinks:  I'm hungry.

Women multi-task.

This means the following:

If dinner needs to be made, a woman thinks: It's 5:26 p.m.  The kids need to be in bed by 7:00.  I need  to change the sheets on kid 2's bed.  Kid 1 and 3 need a bath.  The dishes aren't done, so I can't defrost chicken in the sink.  No time to do dishes and defrost chicken.  I still need to run to Costco for diapers.

KIDS!  WE'RE EATING DINNER AT COSTCO TONIGHT!

Expecting men to think like women is not only unreasonable, it's nigh impossible.  But let's return to our previous model.

Men think: I compartmentalize.  This is who I am.

Women think: I know he compartmentalizes, but I really wish he wouldn't.  I wish he could tell time, do dishes, and juggle the children all at the same time.

Men think: I compartmentalize.

Women think: And why can't he pick up something he steps over?  Or on?  Or put the toilet seat down?  Or bring me flowers?  Or take dancing lessons?  Why do I always have to nag him to put his socks in the hamper?


And men think: I compartmentalize.

Even though I know my husband is a man, and I have ample proof that he compartmentalizes, I still think these irrational thoughts.  That is, until I take pain medicine.

And then this woman thinks: I like cake.

And Brett thinks: I compartmentalize.

And I think: I like cake.

My point: someone please bring me some cake.

The End

Before I Forget: Chloe is Talking!

Chloe has said several new words today and I didn't want my placenta to suck out all memory of this day.  She has said, just today:

backpack (Brett and the kids were present when this was said, several times, this morning.  I have witnesses!)
bubble (Singing the "I had a baby turtle" song.)
POP! (Also baby turtle song.)
Beep (Watching Spongebob.)
Bite (Eating a chicken nugget that I nearly died getting for her.)

She also says as one word:

Thank you (ankoo)
I love you (I don't really know how to write how she says it.  But it's adorable.)

She also says:

Caca (When she poops.  Brett taught her this.)
Go! Go! Go! (On an adventure...from the Dr. Seuss PBS theme song.  Every morning.  Adorable.)
Mama
Dada
Co (For Cohen)
Ka (I think for Kembry?  Maybe...?)
Baby
No
Ya

So anyway.  She's adorable.  When I fix the camera I'll put some pictures up on this post.  Her hair is super long and so are her legs.  Just love my baby girl!!

She also pushes around a baby stroller everywhere, and she LOVES to feed me (and stick her icky sticky fingers all up in my mouth.)

The End...or is it "The Beginning"...

15 Weeks

Size of Baby:  Baby Sasquatch is the size of a yummy  naval orange.

Total Weight Gain: 2 pounds.


Maternity Clothes:  I'm definitely in maternity shirts, but I'm still squeeking by with regular pants.  For now...

Gender:  I still say boy.  I still say I'm gonna eat my words when we see girl =)

Movement:  I'm feeling more and more movement.  It's still light and soft and small, but it's definitely Sasquatch.  I love it.  I can't wait to share with Brett.  He/she did not want us to hear it's heart beat yesterday.  It kicked at the microphone and squirmed away.  Chloe did the SAME thing around this time.  Cracks me up.

Sleep:  Despite watching Paranormal Activity 2 (having just gotten over the nightmares from 3 years ago watching the first one) I'm sleeping great!  No acid reflux or heart burn at night yet.  A lot of that is probably due to my lack of appetite and not eating right before bed.  I am already having trouble catching my breath.  It made me feel better when I read that it's normal to be short of breath already.

What I Miss:  X-rays and back injections.  Steroids and anti-inflammatories.  But it's worth it!

Cravings:  Last night  I was craving rice with chicken and corn (no idea) and so my loving husband made it and it was delicious!  Cravings during pregnancy are weird.  It feels like nothing else will do.  I have to have what I'm craving or I don't bother eating at all.  Also, Cohen was downing an apple while he was reading (it was so cute, he looked just like Bastian from Neverending Story) and so I took it from him and ate half of it in one bite.  He forgave me...eventually.

Symptoms:  I have my energy back!  No more nausea!  My belly is poking out.  I love the second trimester!

Best Moment of the Week: I loved finding out how high  my uterus was.  According to the books, websites, etc. it should only be just above my pubic bone, but I could SWEAR it was so much higher.  When the doctor did my measurements, she had me feel the top of my uterus, and it was just under my belly button. So high!  Which explains why I can still wear regular pants and why I look like I'm 6 months pregnant instead of just 4ish months.

This Weeks Thoughts:  As we get closer to the ultrasound, I keep considering NOT finding out.  Unfortunately, Brett says he WILL find out, so I can't be having that.  I can't have him know and me NOT know.  That would drive me insane.  I'm also thinking this: 3 bedrooms is not enough for 4 kids.  So, I started house hunting again.  I think Brett has warmed to the idea.  He's terrified that for some reason we'll have to go back to Utah, and then we'll be stuck with a house in Arizona we can't sell.

Sibling Rivalry:  Kembry has totally regressed these past few days.  I don't know what's going on, but I'm not enjoying it.  I think she was a little jealous of Cohen having his buddy Cody over (from Utah).  She bawled her eyes out when they left our house for good Sunday night.  So, I'm going to try and get a play date or two set up for her with girls in her class.  I hope their moms don't think I'm weird when I randomly send a note home with their daughter...