Thursday, May 05, 2011


I was just a ball of pent up, angry, bitter feelings earlier tonight.

Normally, I can talk myself out of these feelings pretty quickly.  I have so much to be grateful for, and that will always out way the negative.

However, not so much tonight.  As hard as I tried, I was really wishing I had a cattle prod handy.  Or a bull horn.

Maybe I'm just turning into the old grumpy lady I always knew I would be, it's just a little premature.

Anyway, bitter feelings.  I understand that they are stemming from some unmet expectations.  The frustrating part is that these are not my unmet expectations, they are others unmet expectations of me.

Side note: I hate it when people expect things of me.  Things that have nothing to do with anything.  Like keeping a spotless garage, or darning my socks.  Who gives a woop.  Not I.

So I got a little snippy with a family member.  I waited and waited for the guilt and remorse and regret to sink in, like they usually do, but...nothing.

I sit to examine my feelings.  I shoot out a "vent" email to my darling husband who is now too many miles away to count.  Who has been away for two weeks.  Who also has some of these unmet expectations being thrust upon him, as well.

But it was so much more than the usual, "You need to do this, you're doing that wrong, harp harp harp..."  So much more about the distance I was feeling...

And then I realize...I felt it as I was flying into Salt Lake...I couldn't pin point my emotions...the way my eyes kept filling with tears over nothing...the way I felt in the car ride home....the way I felt sitting with these family members, wishing they would just go home...the way I felt pulled from here...

I realize that Heavenly Father has answered a prayer I have been having for about six months.  Please, please,  please let Arizona feel like home.  Please help me accept this move.  Please help me love it like my home.  Please help me, please please please.

Arizona is home.  I don't have an address yet.  My bills will still lovingly find their way to my Utah address for a few more months.  But leaving Arizona this week was hard.  I wanted my babies in my arms, and that was it.  I didn't care to see the mountains, or smell the cold air.  I didn't even feel that rush of familiar release when I walked over my threshold.

It's odd, the way Heavenly Father answers our prayers.  Odd and wonderful.

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