Being Mommy

Oh my, what a blessing and a challenge. Lately I've been feeling a bit baby hungry. Ok, "a bit" is an understatement: I can flat out taste it. Have any of you ever actually craved pregnancy, or wanted so much to sooth the squawk of a newborn baby? I can't even escape these emotions.

But what's more wonderful is that while I struggle with this inane need to procreate, I find myself mesmerized by the little monkey's I've already been blessed with. I sit and stare at their baby pictures, try to dredge up the memory of their smell, of their tiny little hands, how soft their feet always seemed to be. Then I put the picture book down and look at a red-headed 3 year old who loves to tell stories and read and color, and a feisty 2 year old who will have my heart no matter what she does. And I think to myself, "No one knows how special these two are but me and Brett. No one can understand what unique little spirits they are, what wonderful children they can be."

I listen to them scream at each other playfully, Kembry screaming, "He's chasing me," and Cohen laughing "I am mommy! I'm chasing her!" And I laugh with tears in my eyes and get down on the floor with my empty belly and roll around with them. My children love me. They adore me. I am their world, and they're mine. How did I ever get so blessed with these two?

It helps me understand on a deeper level than ever that I am a unique, individual child of Heavenly Father. Does He love me so much? Absolutely. Is He my world they way I am to my children? Absolutely. I'm grateful for this revelation, and I hope it lasts longer than last time, for they always seem to fade, until that next moment in time when I realize how wonderful my children are, and how much I know my Heavenly Father loves me for giving them to me.

My Weakness Cycle. I'm grateful for it dang it!

I know many of you, after reading this, if you can even get through it, will say, "Duh Kelly, we've been on the band wagon for years now, where've you been?" Well, I will tell you: I have been festering in my weakness cycle. Regardless of my late arrival, I'm going to share with you an epiphany I had a little while ago, because...well, I don't know why I'm sharing. I just felt like it, so there. You all have probably already caught on to these things though =)

I am a weak person. The one strength I hold onto is that I recognize this very fact: I am weak. I can pick out my weaknesses. I can say, "Alright, from this day onward, I'm going to strengthen this particular weakness," and then guess what, I do it! I do it so well, that after a time, I become proficient and my old weaknesses turn into great strengths. Then I start to think, "I'm really good at this. I don't need to try so hard anymore. I can relax a little bit and focus on the million other weaknesses I struggle with." And BAM! I relax, I get lazy, my proficiency get's less and less so, and soon my old weakness is my new weakness, and I have to start all over again.

I have read the Book of Mormon. I understand the Pride Cycle, I relate to it very, very well indeed. This is my ultimate weakness: I know what to do, but I struggle daily to do it.

The epiphany comes in here: Man is a natural enemy to God. Some sick joke, but it's true. It's scripture. We all struggle on a daily basis because, well, it's an uphill battle: literally. If you stop for just a moment to catch your breath or stare at a pebble or pick your nose or whatever, it's so much harder to start up again. When you're in the middle of that hill, you just gotta keep goin'. Endurance man, it's something amazing. (Do you remember Sisyphus, always pushing the boulder up the hill just to have it roll down to the bottom, to push it back up again? Yeah, this was meant as a COMEDY people. Sick Greeks.)

But I find great comfort in many things. These thoughts help me wake up every day, help me work on weaknesses that I've already conquered but that need conquering again. Here is one of these thoughts. It's that, though man is a natural enemy to God, God is not a natural enemy to man. He loves us. He recognizes our weaknesses and revels in our strengths and triumphs. And for all of these reasons, He gives us hope. Hope keeps me jogging up my hill.

Second, this wonderful little thing called Eternal Progression. Where would we be without it folks? Burning on the pitchfork, I think. I know that sometime in the pre-existance I made three very important decisions that changed my eternal life. One, I chose to follow our Savior. Two, I chose to come to this earth to receive a mortal body and live out my probation. Three, I have endured thus far. These bodies confound me. All the emotions, the physical limitations and temptations, the spiritual set backs, the mental retardation that I suffer daily. But this mortality also amazes me: the love, the family unit, the growth, the happiness. I know from personal experience that you cannot have the wonderful joy of happiness without the bitter pain of sadness. Eternal Progression. Heavenly Father probably warned us about these confounded bodies, about the limitations and struggles we would endure, but I know that He promised us that we wouldn't have to get it all right during this probation; but that we would have Eternity to get there. Eternity. I'm comfortable with that thought. It's like the endless test in Calculus, and you can use notes, and ask for help, and if you make a mistake, it's all good.

Third, I have a great comfort in knowing that our Savior suffered all the same things that I'm suffering. He was a mortal. Though He was perfect, He was still human, and at that time He too was a natural enemy to God. He suffered sadness, betrayal, anger, frustration, all of it. He tipped over the money-changers tables, He snapped at his disciples, He got frustrated with the Jew's for just not listening to the obviousness, He cried, He begged, He died. He was mortal. But He did it. He did it for me, personally. I'm not one of those people who say, "I'm not going to be a sinner because I don't want the Lord to suffer more." It's not like that to me. He suffered, it's over, and now He comforts the way his Father comforted him. He comforts and forgives and sets an example for us for any and every situation that presents itself and we say, "I just don't know what to do here." Well, let's get cliche. What would Jesus do? Seriously. I think this a lot, but I don't say it out loud. Not because I'm ashamed, but because truly it is a cliche that has been taken a bit far. I think of what He would do, and I try in my pathetic mess of a life to emulate that example. I try, and fail, and try again, and that's ok. Eternal Progression.

I think I get the picture. Now if only I could remember it next time I'm working on my visiting teaching, or my calling, or being a wife or a mother or a daughter or a friend or simply as a child of God. I hope because Heavenly Father gave me that most important of gifts. I hope because when all is said and done, I'm human, and without it, there's no reason to press forward.

Onward and Upward! (Dang hill!)

Why I love my children: Part 379

Last night was Logi-Wogi's 6th Birthday. I have no pictures because, sigh, I was not there. I was sick because I ate a french fry. Yes, yes, I know, all you gallbladderless people warned me, I know. Still, they smelled so good and tasted just....mmmmmm!! K, we must change the subject now.

Anywho, the important 6th birthday party was held at the awesome and timeless Chuck-E-Cheese's, and it was my babies first time. Hold on, I need to cry a moment.

I missed it.

But, to tip the scales, the ruddergans barged into the front door around 9:15 carrying balloons and cutouts and had blue cotton candy all over their faces and both of them, simultaneously, told me about their first experiences at Chuck's place.

I got sticky kisses and painful hugs and "miss you mommies" and "love you mommies" and it was almost worth it. Almost. Because Cohen loved the slide, and Kembry couldn't take her eyes off the creepy singing robots, and I don't have a single picture or memory to attribute to this infamous moment.

Oh well, onward and upward!

Thanks everyone!!

"Lemme me esplain...no, there is too much, lemme sum up..."

Ahh, Princess Bride, just one of the many movies I was able to watch ad-naseum this past week.

Thank you so much for all of your comments and well wishes. Stupid gallbladder. But let me just say that if you're not feeling well, surgery to remove the gallbladder is totally the way to go. Granted it was one of the crappiest weeks of recovery I've ever had (I didn't have a little baby to make me forget my pain afterwards) but I seriously felt a TON better the second I woke up from surgery. Boom, that fast. Talk about getting to the root of the problem!!!

So thank you, again, for your comments. Can you believe Brett posted something? I thought I was killed on the operating table and had gone to some bizarre heaven where you're held prisoner in the hospital with evil, snaggle-toothed nursers who get mad at your for not peeing when you didn't even know you were supposed to be peeing.

Anywho....thanks again. Love you guys. You rock the Kazba!

Making Pearls from Stones

Anyone who has dealt with gallbladder issues will understand how quickly things can get out of hand. Kelly has been in to the doctor with some pretty uncomfortable pain and nausea which was determined to be likely viral. Next step was to the emergency room to find out that it was indeed the gallbladder. We left Sunday night intending to schedule a surgery and keep a careful watch on her diet. Monday rolled around and we had an appointment to meet with the surgeon and some medicine to deal with the symptoms until we could schedule the procedure. It wasn't even that afternoon when the symptoms were no longer being controlled by the narcotics, so back we went to the ER at the surgeon's nurse's advice. At about 5:30, our beautiful tiny gallbladder was delivered with three lovely stones. The mother, or as I'll call her, the host, is doing well, feeling better than ever and recovering. If all goes to plan (as it has so well thus far) she'll be home this morning and back to normal next week

Denial is a sick thing people

So I've been sick for 12 days now. Sick, as in retching my guts every time I eat something. Sick, as in no energy to move. Sick, as in neglect my children and my home. And yet somehow I've managed to doll myself up for two separate occasions, work every day, clean house, see half a movie and take my kids to Lagoon.

NO I'M NOT PREGNANT. But I was in denial for so long that what could have been a simple little problem has turned into a pending surgery. Gripes. (Does anyone say "gripes" anymore?)

I've always wondered how people allow things to go on that are so obviously a problem. I remember once, after Kembry was born, that I had a pebble in my shoe. And this pebble was in my shoe ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY, until, finally, I was cooking dinner and slipped my shoe off and removed said pebble, only to have resulting blisters and a hole in my shoe. I couldn't even take a bloody second to fix a simple problem. Did I learn a lesson? No. Now I have pebbles in my gallbladder that I failed to 'remove', and now I have to remove the whole thing.

Denial is a sick thing, people. Some words of advice: unless your pregnant, throwing up after every meal is a BAD thing, and shouldn't be put on the back burner.

On the bright side of a diseased gallbladder, I've managed to lose weight and have taken on a new diet of only toast and applesauce. So, ya know. Yay forced weight loss!

C'est La Vie

So much is happening, you'd think I'd have oodles and gads to write about. Seriously, how about this weather!! Yet, nothing solid comes to mind. Maybe it's that when so much is happening, its hard for simpletons like myself to wrap my small brain around it all; I'm a poorly painted water color...everything sort of just bleeds into everything else. I've never really been able to separate one event from another; to compartmentalize as it were. Is it good or bad to compartmentalize? Let's say...good. But then I think of my husband.

Ahh Brett. He has an amazing talent of compartmentalizing. Work. Home. Music. Friends. Family. All neat, different little compartments in his very well organized head. He can come home from a day of work where he's received a promotion, a raise, and a bonus the size of my hair today (which is big), and not even mention it 'til like ten o'clock at night. This has happened people. But it's more than that. You ask him how his day was, and he'll shrug his shoulders and say "good" or "bad" or "eh" or "David said something funny today." That's it.

Sometimes his laconic responses leave me reeling. This man MUST be having an affair to have so little to talk about concerning his day. Alas, he is not. He's too much in love with his short, blonde, chubby little wife. Lucky her. Wait! That's me! Yes!!

All in all though, Susan's passing as been smooth and well handled. Cousins have flown in, we've all come together to complete the painful and arduous task of planning and carrying out a funeral. We throw one heck of a funeral, I'll tell you what.

So give me a few days of recovery. Let my eyes dry a little. Let my brain kick-start itself into functioning in normal mode, and maybe, just maybe, I might have something important to say.

Probably not.

Onward and Upward!

Susan Hyde "Auntie Wuwu" Our beloved sister, aunt, grandmother, and friend, Susan Hyde, 52, passed away Aug. 9, 2008 in Salt Lake City, Utah, after a courageous fight with cancer. She was born Oct. 31, 1955 in Murray, Utah to Clarence John and Eddus Abel Hyde. She was raised in Crescent, Utah. Susan was a respected, inspirational and loved art teacher at Riverton and Bingham High Schools and Mount Jordan Middle School for over 25 years. Her motto was time spent on children is never wasted. Through love she brought the world to our family, kept traditions alive and inspired all she knew to obtain their dreams. She attained her own dream of opening a pottery shop (Club Mudd) with her dear friend, Mark. She is survived by her sisters, Sharee (Stephen) Merkley, and Marilyn (Mike) Neff; nephews and nieces, Heath (Cora) Merkley, Ryan (Holly) Merkley, Brett (Kelly) Neff, Brenda (Logan) Taylor, Matt Merkley, Bradley Neff, and Brandon Neff; grandchildren, Logan, Hunter, Cohen and Kembry. Graveside services will be held Thursday, Aug. 14, 2008, at 10:30 a.m. at the Crescent Cemetery, 11100 So. State St. Friends may visit with the family Wednesday from 6-7 p.m. at Goff Mortuary, 8090 So. State St. There will be a memorial service Thursday at 4 p.m. at the Riverton High School Auditorium, 12476 So. 2700 West.

Name this movie!

"Technicolor pachyderms are really too much for me."

Ugh, no camera?! C'mon!!

What is it with the irony in this world? Daily I take roughly 30 pictures. Nothing to write home about. I just love my little monkeys. So why is it when something really cute or something really cool happens that I don't have my camera or the battery is very inconveniently DEAD?

Por exemple: We went to Larkin and Tasia's yesterday, and they were all lined up along the bench on Tanya's kitchen table, sweetly, quietly, innocently eating their snack. Then they all three picked up their sippy cups and started drinking at the same time. For those of you out there who don't find this absolutely adorable, I understand. But for the rest of us, can you believe I didn't get a picture of this?! Seriously adorable. Cutest bunch of kids ever.

Then, THEN, my friends, last night as I was peacefully dozing into oblivion (thanks again Lunesta!) my husband barges into the room, throws on the blinding light to show me a bug on his hand. At first, I was ready to kill, then ask questions, but then I saw the long, blue shaft, the sheer, glittering wings, and my eyes bulged out of my head in disbelief. The first question I asked was, "Is it dead?" And he's laughing partially hysterically. "No, it's cleaning itself, look." And sure enough, there on my husband abnormally long index finger was a very beautiful, very alive dragon fly. Just cleaning itself. Her wings started to flutter and tickle Brett, but she still held on. I don't blame her, he has nice hands.

Apparently the little lady flew in through our open window, was attacked by our Harley-cat, and took refuge on the human. Strange little thing. Regardless, NO FLIPPIN' CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot express in words the regret that floods through me right now.

Moral of the story: close your windows. You never know who can win an attack between a dragon fly and your cat. Harley's still upset he didn't get to smear it's blood religiously underneath his eyes last night.

The End

But is it really? There is so much I want to blurt out, and ruin for everyone, but a small part of me censures me and slaps me on my speedy hands and tells me that's not nice. So, for those of you snail readers, i.e. those of you who actually continue living your lives and washing your dishes and taking care of your kids and continue house shopping (hi Jen!) here are some NON-SPOILERS for you.



Kimby: Yes. Joey is correct. It is flipping AWESOME and TWISTED about Jacob. But what is it? Oooooh....you must read to know young padowan.

Brett: There are just no words for the awesome, crazy, unexpected, demented, weird ending. Oh, except for all of those words I just used.

Jen: Blushing will come my friend. Well, I hope it will, for you especially, because if it doesn't, then I'm all alone and I'll feel silly that I blushed. I'm blushing now. Dang it! Stop talking about it! Ok...few. All pale again.

Cheyenne: No spoilers!! Yay!! Call me, we must discuss in detail every single word that crazy Stephenie wrote. Ever. Single. Word.

Tweeners: PUT IT DOWN! DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT! WAIT FOR YOUR HONEYMOON! WAIT I TELL YOU! WAIT!!!!!!! I don't think a single one will listen. I'm just glad Kembry's 2 and I can keep the secret of the Twilight series from her for 50 more years.

Onward and Upward. What am I going to read now?!

Breaking Dawn

ATTN! SPOIL ALERT! SPOIL ALERT!

I cannot bring myself to finish this, the last and FINAL of the Twilight Series. My life, it seems, is coming to a complete halt. Of course, I get this problem with almost every book I read. Except Harry Potter. I was too excited to see if my father-in-law really did ruin it for me, and if so, all the mean words I had planned to yell at him were waiting to escape my mouth. He did, and I yelled, and now I feel better.

Anywho...man I get off subject easily. But let me just say, honeymooning vampires alone on an island maybe isn't the greatest thing for the tweeners to be reading. Call me crazy. But, if you're a mom of a tweener, now is an EXCELLENT time to have the birds and bees talk. Rather, the human/vampire talk. Whichever applies. This book makes me blush. I'm afraid to read it with Brett in the house. Or with the kids. Or with the neighbors knowing I'm reading it. In fact, you know what, I'm not reading it folks. Nope. Never picked it up.

Aside from all the rabbit-habits of the hybrid love birds, let me just say this book is Twisted and sick and crooked and weird and scary and wrong and absolutely, positively WONDERFUL! So get on it Kimby and mom and Tanya. I need some women to rap with! Cheyenne's gonna get sick of me sooner than later I'm sure...if she can even bring herself to talk about it. If I can...

Here comes those blushes again...

Twilight-a-palooza

The night began the same as any great girls night: friends, laughter, and anticipated excitement. Or, let's go with the feeling of the evening: angst.

There were SO MANY different types of people there. Of course, out of about 5-6 hundred people, you get your fair share of "every type". The young, of course:

Mothers with their daughters in Sunday dress. For some, this was a sacred event.

Oddly, a lot of...saged folk were present:

And this girl just doesn't count. But we all decided she knew she was beautiful. Then we all tried really hard to focus on the fact that we've each had two children, and, well, hips are a natural part of child baring, and that one day hopefully she would have them too. Stupid, skinny, non-child baring women in hot red dresses. I'm done.

Most people picked up a copy of "Eclipse" to suck in the very small amount of information they could gain from the tiny little first chapter previewed at the end of the book. I, also, partook in the mania. I was drooling down to my toes. Good thing I wasn't the only one, otherwise I may have stood out.

Finally, FINALLY, after 4 and a half long, HOT, hours, we got our books. I can't tell you we were the most excited 5 girls in the store, but we were definitely up there.

Sara was SO excited. Oh to be 13 again.

She said, "Get a picture of me kissing it!" I think this was her first kiss. Better than mine!!! (No offense Adam!)

Breaking Dawn and Lunesta

Even during the sad times, especially for little people with "bubbling" personalities, it's hard to stay down too long; especially when you have two new and exciting things going on.

Lunesta. I SLEPT last night. For the first time in about six months, I had a full nights sleep. We're talkin' go to bed at 9 and pass out 'til the alarm smacks me awake at 5 AM. Twas awesome

Breaking Dawn. Need I say more? I never, EVER thought I'd be one of the desciples of a book series, part of the following. But, here I am, on the eve of the release of a book I have anticipated for months now, and I am totally PUMPED. "We're going to PUMP you up." Name that SNL skit and you win a million dollars. Or my respect. Either or.

So, though the headache still rages on in my skull, and I could use a few weeks more of "Lunesta Sleep", I'm heading down to the ol' B&N this evening, to enjoy to some fun friends and good reading. Have a great weekend everybody!

P.S. Thank you for your emails and comments and phone calls. We really appreciate the support we're getting from our friends and family. We love you all too.

P.P.S. About the million dollars...um, just so you know, my respect is much, MUCH more valuable. So...pick that one.